Tag Archives: love

On attractiveness and fanciness

Looking good is fun. Like, dressing up, wearing jewels and makeup and, I don’t know, barrettes? It’s fun. Makes you feel good. Makes you feel attractive and fancy, and that’s what life is about, ain’t it?

No, WRONG-O, life is not about those things. I’m not sure what life is about, but it’s not about looking good and being fancy. It’s probably about other things, like reproduction and survival.

Oh, looking good is what gets you a mate? And fanciness, as a display of wealth, is proportional to your ability to survive in the industrialized world? P’shaw. I heartily reject that baloney.

Imagine you meet someone. For sake of this argument, this someone is a man and a babe. He’s wearing a well-tailored suit and has an expensive hairstyle. He smells good. Nice, straight teeth. Muscled shoulders. You think, “One day, I’mma marry that man.”

One day, you do. And boy, he looks fly in those wedding pictures.

Chances are, you just got TOOKED. Any asshole can trick you into marrying them. That handsome man, he might suck. So many people suck, and the people who care the most about looking good are probably the ones who suck the hardest. This handsome man won’t want to chill with you, he’ll be busy getting his suits tailored and beauty snoozing while wearing his retainer. And when he’s not doing those things, he’s probably strutting around town, primping and preening and seeking admiration from others.

That’s not say all handsome men are scoundrels, nor all beautiful women. But definitely some are. Don’t let their looks sway you, and don’t let your looks sway others. You should aim to be as unattractive as possible. Got a chiseled jaw? Cover that up with scraggle beard. Got a neat butt? Wear puffy poodle skirts so no one can see. Then, when you meet someone and decide they’re worthy of your love, you can shave your beard and show off your donk. It’ll be a wonderful surprise for all parties involved.

As for fanciness being a symbol of your ability to survive, that’s bull, too. If you’re wearing diamonds and going on extravagant vacations to show the world how rich you are, you’re actually threatening your survival. Bad people gonna wanna kill you for all those riches, and the Earth gonna wanna kill you for your big ass carbon footprint. Motherfunk that frivolous display of wealth. Instead, show us aggressive saving habits and a frugal lifestyle. That’s how we’ll really know you got money in the bank to pay for our homes and medical bills.

A note: I wrote this because I looked stupid today and am soon to be unemployed. There’s a decent chance life is about looking good and being fancy. IDK.

(I used italics to emphasize “is” back there. Cool, wasn’t it? We got to bring italics back.)

Can a fallopian tube ever bust or break?

After my oldest sister’s first year of college, she substitute taught at an elementary school. One of the classrooms she subbed for was a fifth grade sex education class.

On the teacher’s desk was a box for anonymous sex ed. questions. My sister, wisely, read and recorded all of the questions in the box, spelling errors and all. She recently found them. In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m going to do my best to answer these fifth graders’ questions.

Could sperms effect your life?
Yes. If you’re a girl, then sperms could affect your life by making you grow a child inside your womby womb. If you’re the boy who owns the sperm, then you’re responsible for half of the developing child. Don’t mess around with sperms. They love affecting lives. Seriously, they’ll affect the crap out of your life if you give them the chance.

Check out Teen Mom on MTV for more information on this subject. In particular, pay attention to Jenelle. She sucks so bad.

Why do guys have niples?
I had to Google this one. Imagine this: You’re a lady, sperm just affected your life, and you now have ANOTHER HUMAN BEING GROWING INSIDE OF YOU. If that person growing inside of you turns out to be a girl, she’ll have nipples so that one day when sperm affects her life, she can feed her babies. On the other hand, if that person is a boy, he’ll have nipples because he would have really needed them if he’d turned out to be a girl. And he had a 50% chance of becoming a girl, so, do the math on that one.

You can read more about it here.

I thought that the testicles were inside of the body, what’s the purpose of an erection?
I also thought that the testicles were inside of the body, so now I’m not so sure what the heck erections are for. Shoot.

How does sperm get into a woman?
Oh, right! That’s what they’re for (re: purpose of erections).

When boys and girls have done everything in puberty have they finished (puberty)?
Yes, of course they have. When you’ve done everything in puberty, what else would be left to do? Stupid question.

What is the most important in the “penis” sort of area?
Excellent question! It depends on what you consider the “penis” sort of area. Do you think the butt is in this area? If so, then the butt is probably the most important. Your need your butt to dispose of your poop. If you couldn’t get rid of that, do you know how uncomfortable you’d be? You’d have an entire lifetime’s worth of poop inside of you at all times. The butt is the most important, definitely.

Where are girls supposed to shave?
Start with your armpits. After that, your legs and then (if you ever want rappers to have anything to do with you), your “bikini” sort of area. Depending on how hairy you are, you might have to shave your happy trail, niples, mustache, etc. Some ladies shave their arms, even! Remember, no one wants to know that girls grow hair anywhere other than their heads/eyebrows/eyelids. It is on your (cleanly shaven) shoulders to maintain this illusion.

Quick tip: When you shave in the shower, always make sure the tub drains fully before you get out. Otherwise, your sister will have a very unpleasant experience when it’s her kids’ bath time.

Do girls get acmey as bad as boys? How bad do boys get it?
It’s a well-known fact that girls do not get acmey. Sadly, boys get it pretty bad. That’s why boys can grow thick beards and most girls can’t muster more than a wispy mustache. It’s because Mother Nature knows that girls don’t have to cover any acmey.

Why do they have so many openings? (girls)
This is the question of the century. It’s like, dang, can’t girls use openings for more than one freaking thing? But, no, they cannot. One bodily fluid per opening, please. Since girls are the ones who carry the babies, they need all types of openings. You know, for the baby, and for the babies’ milk – all that kind of stuff. It’s ridiculous. Such a waste of resources. We need to talk to somebody about this. It’s time for consolidation.

Can a fallopian tube ever bust or break?
Good lord! What is wrong with you? Why would this ever even cross your mind? Now you’ve got me all freaked out. I don’t know if a fallopian tube can bust or break, but that’s all I’m ever going to be able to think about from now on. Thanks for the lifelong fear of blowing out a fallopian, sociopath.

The end of an era

I’ve loved Patrick Stump, the former lead singer of Fall Out Boy, since my sophomore year of high school.

I (kinda) met him and fellow Fall Out Boiii Pete Wentz a few years ago, but I had drool all over my shirt and forgot how to speak, so it didn’t go too well.

Last Saturday, thanks to my jarb, I got to meet Patrick for the second time. I shall illustrate the night with a series of pictures.

This is our first picture together:

This is our second picture together, after I decided my right thumb would look more casual hooked in my Mom-butt-shorts pocket:

This is when I told him “I had the biggest celebrity crush on you in high school.” Note the demeaning shoulder grab/undeniable chemistry (I have no idea why I grabbed his shoulder — my mouth was really dry and I could barely breathe and I was about one fart away from a pantsful o’ crap. Plus, I think I wanted to continue touching him forever):

This is when Patrick responded to my love confession with, “Well… thanks! For… working the show.” It’s also when I laughed uncontrollably because if I didn’t, I was going to start vomiting:

This is when he was all like, “Damn dat bitch scary, I’m outtie”:

This is when, after my friend Amanda persuaded me to wait after the show for another picture (even though I already felt like a super freak), I asked Patrick for a hug… and then to hold my hand:


And finally, this is when I tweeted the hand holding picture to @PatrickStump and said “sorry if I made you uncomfortable — it was worth it for this picture, though” and he responded with A DIRECT MESSAGE!

The night’s events confirmed my love for him even more. Yet, since I know there’s no chance I’ll ever come back from “Will you hold my hand?,” I’m giving him up. But hot damn is he talented, nice, modest, funktastic (musically), and just generally perfect.

He does, however, make me look like a gigantor. He also brings out my painful shyness, making me sound like a babblin baby quicker than I’d like to admit.