Monthly Archives: May 2014

Airplane Tweeting

I went to Florida last week.** On the flight home, I ordered a $7 plane drank to help me fall asleep. It did help me fall asleep (#respect), but not before getting me a little lightheaded and then inspiring me to write down the tweets I would have tweeted had I had netwerk connectivity.

I’m going to share them here. I would share them on Twitter, but there is nothing worse than when someone you follow clogs up your timeline. I used Photoshop to make them look like real tweets to keep it more fun.

Disclaimer: I feel very fortunate that my plane did not have netwerk connectivity.
tweet1tweet2tweet3tweet4tweet5tweet7tweet8tweet10tweets11tweet12tweet13tweet15tweet16tweet17tweet18tweet19tweets20tweet21tweet22tweet23tweet24tweet25tweet26tweet27

 

**My trip to Florida was fly. My cool ass cousins and I went to the beach, went to the pool, went to the movies, saw friends, RODE ON BOATS, ate pizza/steak/shrimps/fresh fruits/other good things, drank drinks, learned the lyrics to Disney songs, and practiced rapping. (Side note: I think I could be a rapper.)

 

photo

Sunscreen in the eyez/saltwater surprize

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If I were Beyoncé

 

If I suddenly found myself in a universe where I was the main character in Beyoncé’s “Partition” song, but had never heard the whole thing before, these are the thoughts I would think and the feelings I would feel.

Lyric:
Driver roll up the partition please
Driver roll up the partition please
I don’t need you seeing Yoncé on her knees

Thought:
OK, if I’m Beyoncé then I’m telling my chauffeur to roll up the partition because I don’t want him seeing me on my knees. Why would I be on my knees? I must have… dropped my earring on the limo floor? That’s got to be it. Yeah, the driver definitely needs to roll up that partition. If I’m on my knees, then my booty must be up in the air. Ain’t nobody need to see that harvest moon.

Feelings:
1f648 1f31d

 

 

Lyric:
Took 45 minutes to get all dressed up
We ain’t even gonna make it to this club

Thought:
Wait a minute–we’re not going to go to the club just because I dropped my earring? I’m not much of a clubber but if it’s a club Jay-Z and Beyoncé go to, I’d like to check it out. Plus, if it took me 45 minutes just to get dressed up, do you know how long it must have taken to do my hair and make-up!? Upwards of two hours, fool. We going to that club.

Feelings:
1f481

 

 

Lyric:
Now my mascara runnin’, red lipstick smudged

Thought:
How did that happen!? I must be crying or something. Maybe we shouldn’t make it to the club, I guess I’m sad.

Feelings:
1f61e

 

 

Lyric:
Oh he so horny, yeah he want to *F WORD*

Thought:
Oh my! I seem to have misjudged this situation in the worst way, and I don’t at all like where it’s headed. I know Jay-Z’s supposed to be my husband in this scenario, but even if I can accept that, we’re in a moving vehicle! And our driver’s like two feet away! I think we ought to hold off on this for… ever, probably.

Feelings:
1f633

 

 

 

Lyric:
He popped all my buttons and he ripped my blouse
He Monica Lewinski’d all on my gown

Thought:
Shout out to Jay-Z for popping my buttons and ripping my blouse and doing his freak business on my gown. Very cool of him, to wreck all my clothes en route to the club. Guess that’s why we’re crazy in love. Drunk in love. Crazy and drunk in love.

Just kidding. That’s effed, Jay-Z. Damn!

On a side note, why am I wearing a blouse and a gown at the same time? Who dressed me? Did Jay ruin all my clothes on purpose because my outfit didn’t make sense?

Feelings:
1f624

 

 

 

Lyric:
Oh, there daddy, daddy didn’t bring the towel
Oh, baby, baby be better slow it down

Thought:
Wait a minute–are we going to a club with a swimming pool!? Hot diggity I don’t care if you forgot the towel, we’re going swimming! Forget slowing it down, put the pedal to the metal! I’m tryna get my Marco Polo on!

Feelings:
1f3c4 1f3ca

 

 

 

Lyric:
Took 45 minutes to get all dressed up
And we ain’t even gonna make it to this club

Thought:
Yeah I remember you saying that earlier but if there’s a pool involved in this outing I’d really really like to make it to that club.

Feelings:
1f64f

 

 

 

Lyric:
Take all of me
I just wanna be the girl you like, girl you like
The kinda girl you like, girl you like
Take all of me
I just wanna be the girl you like, girl you like
The kinda girl you like
Is right here with me
Right here with me
Right here with me
Right here with me

Thought:
None of that is true.

I don’t want anyone to take all of me, for starters. I have dogs who need me, and nephews and a niece, and plus I’d like to keep at least a quarter of myself for myself. I got lots of hobbies, nah mean? Secondly, I guess it’d be cool to be the kind of girl Jay-Z likes, but it’s not like that’s my only goal in life. I want to be a lot more than just the kind of girl he likes. Just the kind of girl Patrick Stump likes? Yes, sure. But Jay-Z? Jay-Z better make like Bruno Mars and think I’m amazing just the way I am.

Feelings:
1f46f

 

 

 

Lyric:
Driver roll up the partition fast
Driver roll up the partition fast
Over there I swear I saw them cameras flash

Thought:
Damn that driver. I already politely asked him TWO TIMES to roll up the partition. Either he never rolled it up, or he did roll it up and then rolled it down again. Neither is acceptable. I’m going to have to fire him. Eff! I’ve never fired someone before, but I bet I suck at it. Maybe Jay-Z will do it for me.

Feelings:
squirrel

 

 

 

Lyric:
Hand prints and footprints on my glass
Hand prints and good grips all on my ass

Thought:
Not this again.

Feelings:
1f645

 

 

 

Lyric:
Private show with the music blastin’
He like to call me Peaches when we get this nasty

Thought:
Private show for who!? Jay-Z or the chauffeur?! Who is calling me Peaches?!? IS THIS SONG ALMOST OVER YET?

Feelings:
1f351 1f62d

 

 

Lyric:
Red wine drip filth talk that trash
Chauffeur eavesdropping trying not to crash

Thought:
Is some of this gibberish or am I currently too distressed to understand anything? Motherfunker I hope we don’t crash. Imagine if I die like this: all my clothes ripped and soiled, my lipstick and mascara smudged, booty out. Please,  I hope that chauffeur don’t crash. Also I wonder if he’s rolled up that partition yet.

Feelings:
squirrel

 

 

 

Lyric:
Oh, there daddy, daddy now you ripped my fur
Oh, baby, baby be sweatin’ on my hair

Thought:
TAKE IT EASY ON MY GEAR, DAMN. Barf, there’s sweat dripping on me. I wonder what Jay-Z would think if I vomited on him, cause it’s bout to happen.

Feelings:
1f637

 

 

 

Lyric:
Took 45 minutes to get all dressed up
And we ain’t even gonna make it to this club

Thought/Feeling:
1f525 1f30bsquirrel