Remember Room Raiders? The dating/reality show on MTV that ran from 2004 to 2009? The dumbest show ever created? If not, let me remind you.

Room Raiders, the show that gives three unsuspecting singles the surprise of their lives when they find out they’re being picked for a date, not by their looks or charm, but by what’s inside their bedrooms. The girls watch helplessly as their dirtiest secrets are revealed.

Basically, one eligible contestant would raid the bedrooms of three other eligible contestants. Eligible contestant number one would rifle through the others’ things, judge them by the posters on their walls and the underpants in their drawers, and then—without ever meeting any of them—choose a winner to date.

I had two problems with this show. First, I hated that the people who had their rooms raided—the raidees—pretended to not know what was going on. They’d be in their house, taking naps or dropping deuces, and suddenly a stranger in sunglasses and a jumpsuit would run in, kidnap them, and throw them in the back of a van. The raidees would pretend to be a little confused, but otherwise went along it. THAT DON’T MAKE NO SENSE. IF A STRANGER CAME INTO MY CRIB TO STEAL ME I’D BE THROWING BOWS AND KNEEING B-SACKS. THAT CAN STAND FOR BALLSACKS OR BOOBSACKS, DEPENDING ON MY CAPTOR’S GENDER AND HEIGHT. I WOULD WILD OUT.

The absurdity of the premise was my first problem with Room Raiders. My second was that I was never on it.

I never signed up or auditioned for it or anything, I just always thought it’d be cool to have a stranger paw through my business and evaluate me as a love interest based on their findings. And I mean that sincerely—I truly did dream of being on Room Raiders. I think the show’s been canceled (or if it hasn’t, I’m too old and booed up now), so I’ve got to raid my own room. And since I’m the one doing the raiding, I’m going to feel free to explain the things that need explaining.

Things in my bed

• 9 pillows (one for emotional purposes, one for sleeping, and 7 because I’m too nice to kick them out)
• 1 green blanket with holes in it
• 1 fitted sheet, with both mud and blood stains (from tiny dog paws and picked scabs, respectively)
• 0 top sheets
• Several dead or dying ticks, of both Wood and Deer varieties (result of the tiny dogs that co-sleep wit me)
• 1 plastic dog bone
• 1 piece of a deer antler

Things on top of my bedside table

• 1 brand new, beautiful Nalliegene bottle
• 1 pair of tweezers for late-night belly tweezing
• 1 tube of Abreva
• Many bottles of lotion
• Many never-to-be-read library books
• 1 Bart Simpson thumb drive
• 2 impressively smooth balls of tinfoil
• Couple dead ticks

Things inside of my bedside table

• 1 tube of Abreva
• 1 baby tub of Vaseline
• 1 baby Etch a Sketch
• 1 empty box pet deodorizer for when my dog pees on my bed

Things in my closet

• 1 pair Spanish sag pants
• 1 Angora orange turtleneck sleeveless sweater
• 1 shirt with sleeves but no shoulders
• 39 shirts that need to be retired
• 2 freakum dresses that will never be worn

Miscellaneous things

• 2 sets pink frill curtains
• 1 pink carpet
• 1 additional twin-sized bed in the corner where my mom sleeps when it gets too hot in the rest of the house
• 1 creepy picture of adult children in a relationship that is most likely abusive
• 6 glow-in-the-dark stars
• 1 broken clock
• 1 broken vacuum cleaner
• 1 broken drafting table
• 2 TVs

I’ve been living in it for the past two years, but I’d like to point out this is technically my sister’s bedroom, even though she moved out the house in ’01. So, really, this has been a raid of my sister’s room, not mine. Sorry, Chris.

P.S. What things would someone find if they raided your room?