Monthly Archives: January 2016

WebCG: Sprained Nickelboob

Welcome to WebCG, the classygallie.com version of WebMD. WebCG provides valuable health information. Note: Just kidding. Nothing you’ll find here is at all valuable. I’m not a doctor and I don’t know your business, so do not believe anything you read here and certainly do not take it as legitimate medical advice.

Sprained nickelboob
Sprained nickelboob is a slightly uncomfortable condition of the human nickelboob. The nickelboob is that triangle-shaped, nickel-like indentation centered smack dab between the boobs. Also known as the xiphoid or xiphoid process, it’s where your ribs connect to your sternum. If you twist or reach the wrong way, it can get tore up. If it does, it hurts a little bit. Not enough to totally wreck your day, but enough to make you want to complain about it.

In some circles, sprained nickelboob is also known as costochondritis. Those circles are typically hella nerdy, the kind doctors run in.

Xiphoid_process_frontal

I call this “human nickelboob.” Others call it “Xiphoid process frontal” by Anatomography – Licensed under CC BY-SA 2.1 jp

Causes
Moving in a funny way that your body doesn’t like. It could be just one funny movement or a lifetime of funny movements. I guess you could get it if you have a cold and you’re coughing like crazy. Or you could get it if you’re way too hard on your nickelboob in general. There are probably lots of causes. I don’t know like I said I’m not a doctor.

Symptoms
Painful nickelboob, especially when you move funny or someone pushes down on it really hard (a doctor, for instance). I recently sprained my own nickelboob and goddamn did a doctor push the crap out of it.

When to seek medical care
Here’s the deal: If it’s really just a sprained nickelboob/costochondritis, a doctor’s visit is probably overkill. You’ll be told to apply ice and heat to it and to take over-the-counter pain medication to reduce discomfort. It’ll probably heal pretty quick and you’ll be back to pain-free nickelboobing.

That said, a hurty chest is a symptom of a lot of scary health conditions and it’s best to know whether or not you’ve got any of them. A doctor will check all your vitals to make sure business is in good working order. They’ll want to make sure that you’re breathing fine and that your legs aren’t swollen, numb, or otherwise acting kookily. They’ll also want to make sure you’re not feeling nauseated or feverish. They’ll take care of you. It’s never a bad idea to have a doctor check a hurty chest.

Cures
Time. Time heals all nickelboobs.

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How to spend a snow day

Snow days are boring.

I know, I know. We love them. Ain’t many things better than a snow day, right? They get us out of school and work, and we sure do like getting out of school and work. School and work are not the greatest. But know what is the greatest? Being smart and having money. Both of those things are fantastic, and that’s what school and work will get you.

Know what a snow day will get you? Dirty teeth, dirty underpants, and about 24 hours of house arrest. (You know you’ve had at least one snow day where you didn’t brush your choppers or change your unders, don’t you dare say otherwise.)

I had a snow day this past Saturday. I’m not sure if a snowy weekend day can be considered a true snow day, but since I now work at a corporation that means serious business, weekend snow days are the only ones I get.

This snow day was ever more boring than most because I was alone. My parents and Chico were in Connecticut and Curtis was at some foosball game, so it was just Dizzy and me. Here’s a tattoo I once gave myself while at work, but was also appropriate for this snow day:

kn

A very cool, reasonable thing for an adult woman to write on herself.

Not long into Saturday’s boring snow day, I decided, “Nay, today will not be a waste. Today, you finna do some things.”

I did do some things, and I felt all right about them. I’d like to share what I did with anyone else who’s looking for a productive way to pass a snow day.

Things to do on a snow day, especially if you’re in the crib by your lonesome

Clean out your wallet
If your wallet is fat as hell with old receipts and other pieces of crap, throw those things away. While cleaning out my wallet, I found a receipt for a post office in Puerto Rico and an expired coupon for a butcher shop. A butcher shop! As if I’m some type of cosmopolitan, buying my meats from a butcher. No way, José. I make my meat purchases at the grocery store.

Take a shower
Showers sometimes suck. On a snowy winter’s day, though, a shower is tight. Hop into that steamy stream with a couple of carrots and a glass of Diet Coke, you’ll have yourself a right old time.

Shovel your driveway
Shoveling your driveway doesn’t sometimes suck—it always sucks. It is not at all an enjoyable way to pass a couple hours. I gots a question for you though: Do you go to the gym? Do you run on treadmills or ellipse on elliptical machines? Because shoveling is a workout too, and it is 100 times better than running on some damn treadmill. Think about that word even, treadmill. A mill for your treads, a factory for your steps! Every time you use a treadmill, that’s unpaid labor. That’s unjust.

Holy moly. I just Googled “treadmill history” and learned they were invented in the 1800s as an instrument of prison discipline.

Shovel your driveway. Get exercise the moral way.

Drink apple juice
Apple juice is bomb, why wouldn’t you want to drink it? Have yourself a glass or two, you’ll deserve it after all that snow shoveling. Maybe take it into the shower with you, even.

Watch Pretty Woman for the first time
It’s a movie that plays for free on TV, why wouldn’t you want to watch it?

I missed the first half hour when I watched it and I have a serious request. Can anyone explain to me a premise that justifies Richard Gere hiring a prostitute that’s almost half his age? Seriously, I need some help understanding it. Are we supposed to accept that, sometimes, perfectly decent men sometimes pay for lovin? Richard Gere’s character seemed like a nice enough dude (and certainly dreamy enough), but how is he not a creep? Am I wrong for assuming all johns are scoundrels? If Julia Roberts can look past it, should I too? Someone please explain.

Bake a pizza
Since you’re home by yourself, you’ll get to eat as much of it as you want. Happy Snow Day to you!

Go to bed a 9pm
It’s just a good time to go to bed, no matter the circumstances.

By the way I was joshing you earlier. Snow days are dope, you and I both know that. Hope this list helps make your next snow day a real good one.