Monthly Archives: February 2012

I’m bringing evil to tomorrow’s potluck

Tomorrow my office is throwing a potluck party for a woman who’s transferring to another division. For the past few days I’ve been included in general “What are you bringing?” e-mails from my co-workers, none of which I’ve replied to.

I figured I’m young and I’m black and my hat’s real low I’m new to the office, it’s totally okay if I show up empty-handed. They already had sandwiches and sodas and clam dips and cookies and silverware covered — what else could I even offer? What am I supposed to bring? Vegetables?  I’m trying to pay off my student loans, I can’t afford a $15 veggie platter! What is you, nuts?!

I planned to show up, eat, say goodbye to the lady, give her a pat on the noggin, and call it an afternoon. At least I planned to do that until about an hour ago… right until my sweetly selfless self got mixed up with a punk named Pinterest.

AND I'M LIKE, EFF YOU

Pinterest is social network that’ll teach you how to clean corn with a toothbrush, stick glitter on your eggs, and make your pretzels give birth to butterflies. It’s Real Simple meets Martha Stewart, and it makes me feel like a sub-par human lady.

Get your egg geodes out my damn face

I’ve had a Pinterest account for a while but I’d never really used it until tonight. I had a couple of recipes taking up premium bookmark space on my toolbar, so I decided to pin them as a means of saving them. I started clicking through some of the recipe pages and came across a recipe for cookie dough dip. I like cookies, I like dough, and I love to dip, so I checked it out.

Now dip baby, dip

I read through the ingredients and the instructions and it seemed super easy. I already had all the ingredients, it didn’t require any cooking, and the creator claimed it was a big hit at potluck parties. Just like that, I was convinced.

Here are the ingredients. See if you think anything sounds strange:

Chocolate chips

Brown sugar

Vanilla extract

Milk

Baking powder

Peanut butter

Oatmeal

Garbanzo beans

GARBANZO BEANS. An entire can of garbanzo beans. At first, I thought it clever and convenient.

“Garbanzo beans! Why, I just bought three cans of those the other day. What a lovely and healthy way to make chocolate chip cookie dough. Chocolate-Covered Katie says they’re delicious, and she never lies. I must make them now!”

And that’s exactly what I did. Even though I dislike oatmeal cookies, and I hate peanut butter cookies, I decided to make a dessert dish by mixing the main ingredients of each with a full can of garbanzo beans.

My cookie dough dip did not come out well.

It came out tasting like really gritty peanut butter hummus with a hint of vanilla, and it is just awful. There’s still whole chunks of garbanzos in there. Even the chocolate chips are gross.

What it's supposed to look like

What mine looks like. (I gagged when I opened up the Tupperware container to take this picture)

I devoted 20 minutes of my life to it, though, so I’m still going to bring it to the potluck tomorrow. I figure I’ll drop it off anonymously, serve some Saltines with it (you’re supposed to dip cookies or graham crackers in it, but I ain’t got the funds for that), and see if anyone eats it. My guess is maybe. My other guess is that they’ll hate it. My last guess is that they’ll be gassy for days.

(I’m just kidding… sweet gritty peanut butter hummus with chocolate chips is very popular around here. People are going to love it!)

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Debt freedom: It’s finna suck

Say hello to Mark. Dude mad poor.

via Huffington Post (http://tinyurl.com/86xvbfl)

Here is me. I owe money, as well. Unlike poor Jennifer and Marky Mark, my debt’s aiight.

Four years of college and I still don’t understand how mirrors work

Fifteen thousand dollars. Right on the line between fortunate and funked. Not crippling, not great, but manageable. Manageable enough, even, it almost excludes me from joining my peers in complaining about student loans. This displeases me.

Anyone who’s ever been on a sports team or residence life staff with me knows I love nothing more than complaining with peers. So, to secure my right to whine, I’m going to make my student loans unmanageable; starting today I’m going to pay off my loans in one year.

I’m going to try, at least.

DA BACKGROUND

Loans — student loans especially — are not fun. The payback period kicks in soon after graduation, right when bank accounts are hurting and job prospects are paining. And to make it all worse, that Sallie Mae is a real lady of the night. SHE A GREAT BIG HO. Or maybe she is, I don’t know.

Thing is, I’m not smart enough to figure out if my lenders are taking advantage of me. Or rather, I’m not patient enough. Finding out all that variable interest rate hooblah dooblah and loan fee goobleygook seems like it requires a lot of clicking and maybe even some phone calls, and homie don’t play dat. Plus, I figure if I sought out the bank, requested the loan, and signed the contract, it’s my own fault if I didn’t read the fine print. Hecks I barely read the bold print.

This is all I know:

I have three loans totaling $14,200. Additional debt includes:

Credit Card 1: $180 (Fancy pants and the like for work.)

Credit Card 2: $537 (Glasses are expensive, and so is babysitting your aunt’s dumb cats in Florida.)

Mammy: $444 (Tires. Thank goodness for a Mom loan.)

Evil arsehole clams: $110 (Dermatology co-payments up the wazoo.)

State of Maine: $100 (Car registration, dangit.)

In total, that’s about $15,600 in debt. I have a full-time job, a part-time job, and two generous roommates named Mammy and Pappy. Paying off my debt by next February may be improbable, but it’s not impossible.

DA PLAN

Da plan isn’t very complicated. I’m going to work a lot, live frugally, and pay off as much as I can each month.

WORK & GIGGLE LIKE A BOSS: I will work my regular job, do data entry on the side, and pick up any random gigs I can get.

LIVE LIKE A NUTSACK: I will do my best to make my own crap instead of buying crap from stores. For instance if I need a container for nuts, I’ll sew a handmade nut sack out of an old T-shirt. Or if I need a new toilet brush, I’ll make one out of household items — a broken shelf and toilet paper, perhaps.

I've done it before

I’ve done it before

BLEND AND BLADE BARELY: Other than gas, food, and presents for gift-giving occasions, all my money will go toward paying off my loans. Although I’m really into blending lately, so some of it might go toward a nice blender. For the most part it’ll just be student loans, though. Also maybe a pair of rollerblades. They look fun, don’t they?

Wish me luck!

P.S. I’ve never cared much about achieving personal goals, so if this sucks too much I’m probably going to quit. I’ll try not to, but know it might happen. Fair warning.

List of music videos at an amusement park or carnival or fair.

If you did a Google search for “list of music videos at an amusement park or carnival or fair” before today, you’d be very disappointed with the results. I know I was.

Thanks to me, the world is now a better place. You’re welcome.

(You’re also welcome to comment with any music videos I’m missing; this list needs to be as complete as possible.)

Update, July 1, 2015: Someone did comment with several music videos I missed, so I’ve added them to the list. It’s amazing how many people Google “list of music videos at an amusement park.” It’s also amazing how terrifying most of these videos are.

Update, February 23, 2016: I continue to get comments with more carnival/fair music videos. While I love that this list is getting bigger, I feel like I’m duplicating efforts by adding them to the post. So, for the complete list, make sure you read the comments. More treasures reside there.


 

Jordan Knight – Give It to You
If there’s such a thing as falling in love with a person based on a facial expression, Mr. Knight invented it at second :52.

Ja Rule ft. Ashanti – Mesmerize
Ja Rule is such an adorable mouse. I’d go street for him.

Usher – My Way
Things I don’t like about this video: Usher’s painted eyelashes, Tyrese’s chin piercing, and JD’s armpit fuzz.

V V Brown – Shark in the Water
V V Brown should remake this with the original Degrassi cast (the original Next generation. I miss baby Drake and goth Ashley.)

50 Cent – Amusement Park
Cleverest rap metaphor of all time.

Mariah Carey – Fantasy
Yeaaahhhyuhhhh yeaaaaayeeeeeeee ooooooooooo yaaaaaeeeuuuh.


(These are the new ones)

P!nk – Who Knew

Avril Lavigne – Girlfriend

Beyoncé – XO

Seether – Remedy

Birdy – Wings

Coldplay – Magic

Block B – Jackpot

K. Will – Love Blossom

Poets of the Fall – Carnival of Rust

Finntroll – Under Bergets Rot

Alice In Chains – I Stay Away

Sunny Hill – Midnight Circus

B.A.P – 1004(Angel)

Akdong Musician(AKMU) – GIVE LOVE M/V

Justin Timberlake – Mirrors

Nine Inch Nails – Starsuckers, Inc.

Nightwish – Storytime

HI SUHYUN – ‘나는 달라


(Update – September 28, 2015)

JoJo – Baby It’s You


(Update – December 29, 2015)

Melanie Martinez – Carousel


(Update – February 20, 2016)

Krewella – Enjoy the Ride

It’s me, the D.O. double gizzle.

I’m not that good at drinking.

By that, I mean I’m not that good at drinking alcohol. Actually, I’m not that good at drinking anything, but I’m an especially bad boozer. I don’t booze well.

It’s not that I drink too often, or I get too aggressive or too emotional when I do. If anything, I’m not practiced, aggressive, or emotional enough. The real problem is… when I drink… I…

Turn into Snoop Dogg.

Two sips into a glass of Nuvo, and I’m Snoopier than Tha Doggfather himself.

Me last Friday

I start rapping. 

The first night I ever got certifiably crunked, I freestyled for my entire family and my brother-in-law’s family, who I’d never really met before. Fortunately, my sister filmed it and put it on Facebook. Unfortunately, I’m not going to share it here because 1) I don’t know how to download videos off Facebook, and 2) It’s very rather shameful. I will share my best lines, though.

“I found crap on my face. I’m like, am I in outer space? I’m confused. Where’s this dude?”

“You’z a Pokemon. You’z a fool, mon.”

I adopt a limp. 

Upon leaving the bar, I often begin walking with a gangsta lean. I suffer from a bum knee that only ever flares up after a drink or two. It’s a serious ailment, belee dat.

I become obsessed with blunts. 

Not blunts made of the marijuana! What do you think I am, a weed criminal?! I get obsessed with Phillie blunts, a perfectly legal, perfectly awful, cigar.

I became obsessed with Phillie blunts last New Year’s Eve. After getting stuck with a pack of them at a Christmas party Yankee Swap, I thought it’d be a nice gift to bring to my cousin’s New Year’s Eve party.

A few minutes before midnight, and after a few drinks, I decided it was time to get to Phillie blunting. I had no intention of smoking the cigar — I’d barely ever even seen one up close — but I thought it’d be fun to light one. The flame had yet to touch the tip of the cigar before I started dry heaving/convulsing. I thought cigars would taste like Cuban sangwiches or grape leaves or something. I was wrong; they taste like straight lung venom.

They look like hotdogs

Now, I bet you’re thinking, “Snoop is far superior to you! If drinking makes you act like him, then BITCH WHY AIN’T YOU GET SO THROWED EVERYDAY?”

I’ll tell you why I ain’t get so throwed everyday. Even though Snoop Dogg is a much better person than I am, strangers don’t seem to appreciate when I take on the persona of a 41-year-old former Crip.

Cab drivers don’t like when I accuse them of “trippin”.

My peers (other 41-year-old former Crips) don’t like when I introduce myself to them with complicated handshakes.

Bartenders of fancy nightclubs don’t like when I order a gin and juice and then don’t know what kind of juice I want.

And I don’t like the thought of me drinking enough to start acting like this: