Tag Archives: college

I’m bringing evil to tomorrow’s potluck

Tomorrow my office is throwing a potluck party for a woman who’s transferring to another division. For the past few days I’ve been included in general “What are you bringing?” e-mails from my co-workers, none of which I’ve replied to.

I figured I’m young and I’m black and my hat’s real low I’m new to the office, it’s totally okay if I show up empty-handed. They already had sandwiches and sodas and clam dips and cookies and silverware covered — what else could I even offer? What am I supposed to bring? Vegetables?  I’m trying to pay off my student loans, I can’t afford a $15 veggie platter! What is you, nuts?!

I planned to show up, eat, say goodbye to the lady, give her a pat on the noggin, and call it an afternoon. At least I planned to do that until about an hour ago… right until my sweetly selfless self got mixed up with a punk named Pinterest.

AND I'M LIKE, EFF YOU

Pinterest is social network that’ll teach you how to clean corn with a toothbrush, stick glitter on your eggs, and make your pretzels give birth to butterflies. It’s Real Simple meets Martha Stewart, and it makes me feel like a sub-par human lady.

Get your egg geodes out my damn face

I’ve had a Pinterest account for a while but I’d never really used it until tonight. I had a couple of recipes taking up premium bookmark space on my toolbar, so I decided to pin them as a means of saving them. I started clicking through some of the recipe pages and came across a recipe for cookie dough dip. I like cookies, I like dough, and I love to dip, so I checked it out.

Now dip baby, dip

I read through the ingredients and the instructions and it seemed super easy. I already had all the ingredients, it didn’t require any cooking, and the creator claimed it was a big hit at potluck parties. Just like that, I was convinced.

Here are the ingredients. See if you think anything sounds strange:

Chocolate chips

Brown sugar

Vanilla extract

Milk

Baking powder

Peanut butter

Oatmeal

Garbanzo beans

GARBANZO BEANS. An entire can of garbanzo beans. At first, I thought it clever and convenient.

“Garbanzo beans! Why, I just bought three cans of those the other day. What a lovely and healthy way to make chocolate chip cookie dough. Chocolate-Covered Katie says they’re delicious, and she never lies. I must make them now!”

And that’s exactly what I did. Even though I dislike oatmeal cookies, and I hate peanut butter cookies, I decided to make a dessert dish by mixing the main ingredients of each with a full can of garbanzo beans.

My cookie dough dip did not come out well.

It came out tasting like really gritty peanut butter hummus with a hint of vanilla, and it is just awful. There’s still whole chunks of garbanzos in there. Even the chocolate chips are gross.

What it's supposed to look like

What mine looks like. (I gagged when I opened up the Tupperware container to take this picture)

I devoted 20 minutes of my life to it, though, so I’m still going to bring it to the potluck tomorrow. I figure I’ll drop it off anonymously, serve some Saltines with it (you’re supposed to dip cookies or graham crackers in it, but I ain’t got the funds for that), and see if anyone eats it. My guess is maybe. My other guess is that they’ll hate it. My last guess is that they’ll be gassy for days.

(I’m just kidding… sweet gritty peanut butter hummus with chocolate chips is very popular around here. People are going to love it!)

Why you should walk a baby instead of going to college

Eff college — I’ve learned more strolling around the neighborhood with my 4-month-old niece, Heidi, than I ever did at Roger Williams. For instance, I now know that:

1. Replacing a portion of sidewalk with a tiny garden is a clever way to get yer curb some appeal.

Charming!

2. Chipmunks are adorable.

3. Squirrels are not, although their relationships with each other might be (have to think about it a bit more).

4. Leaf blowers sound too much like chainsaws.

5. With the proper documentation, some U.S. townships still allow drug dealers to make a living.

Thinking about dabbling in peddling.

6. It’s still socially acceptable to bump music in public.

7. It’s not socially acceptable to sing along with bumping music in public.

8. It’s both unnecessary and embarrassing to turn and run away from tree trimmers — they will call you out. Also, don’t try justifying what you did — they’ll make fun of you/shoot “you poor thing, stuck with that dumb trick” looks at your sleeping niece.

Even apart from those educational lessons, strolling’s given me more than college ever did. After four years at RWU, I’m still not sure what I want to do with my life. After a few days of strolling, on the other hand, I already know that I’m going to try my hand at strollers-for-tall-people-with-short-legs-and-long-torsos designing.

Find yourself. Walk babies.

P.S. If you’re still deciding between getting a degree and strolling, know this: the latter is way more lucrative. While college left me thousands of dollars in debt, walking a baby gave me two whole dollars! For free! Imagine how many more tens of dollars are on the street, waiting for you to stroll by!

Winking away the day with my free money.