Why you should walk a baby instead of going to college

Eff college — I’ve learned more strolling around the neighborhood with my 4-month-old niece, Heidi, than I ever did at Roger Williams. For instance, I now know that:

1. Replacing a portion of sidewalk with a tiny garden is a clever way to get yer curb some appeal.

Charming!

2. Chipmunks are adorable.

3. Squirrels are not, although their relationships with each other might be (have to think about it a bit more).

4. Leaf blowers sound too much like chainsaws.

5. With the proper documentation, some U.S. townships still allow drug dealers to make a living.

Thinking about dabbling in peddling.

6. It’s still socially acceptable to bump music in public.

7. It’s not socially acceptable to sing along with bumping music in public.

8. It’s both unnecessary and embarrassing to turn and run away from tree trimmers — they will call you out. Also, don’t try justifying what you did — they’ll make fun of you/shoot “you poor thing, stuck with that dumb trick” looks at your sleeping niece.

Even apart from those educational lessons, strolling’s given me more than college ever did. After four years at RWU, I’m still not sure what I want to do with my life. After a few days of strolling, on the other hand, I already know that I’m going to try my hand at strollers-for-tall-people-with-short-legs-and-long-torsos designing.

Find yourself. Walk babies.

P.S. If you’re still deciding between getting a degree and strolling, know this: the latter is way more lucrative. While college left me thousands of dollars in debt, walking a baby gave me two whole dollars! For free! Imagine how many more tens of dollars are on the street, waiting for you to stroll by!

Winking away the day with my free money.

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One thought on “Why you should walk a baby instead of going to college

  1. gmajackie

    I’m not sure if it’s legal to peddle drugs in Westbrook, but the city is very kind to drug users. It has special designated crosswalks for them. The signs say HIGH PEDESTRIAN CROSSING

    Reply

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