Warning: This contains many, many spoilers. Every one of them.

Second Warning: This goes pretty in-depth into the Harry Potter world and the majority of you probably won’t be interested

This morning, a man stopped at a red light behind me took out his cell phone and took a picture of the back of my car.

“He could have been taking a selfie, you idiot” says the millions of h8rs alive and well on the internet, including me.

You’re right, he could have. But I’m pretty sure it was a picture of my car because I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES, ALL RIGHT?

Even though my ‘05 Pontiac is extremely attractive, people never used to take pictures of it. But then I adorned its beautiful backside with a Hogwarts alumni sticker, and people started to take pictures of it.

We all know I did not go to Hogwarts, because it doesn’t exist. Even if it did exist, I’m a muggle, and that shit ain’t for muggles. And even if I weren’t a muggle and I did go to Hogwarts, then I wouldn’t be advertising the fact. (Because I absolutely would have been sorted into Hufflepuff and no one brags about being in gotdamn Hufflepuff.)

So if I did not go to Hogwarts, but I do have a Hogwarts sticker on my car, then I must like Harry Potter a lot. And in fact I do. I like Harry Potter so much that I pre-ordered the new HP play, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. I have since read it and would like to review it here, for a couple of reasons. (Here come the spoilers. Enemies of the heir, beware.)

1. None of my friends have read it, at least that I know of, and I really need to discuss it.
2. Lately (and most of my life) I’ve been bad at thinking critically/forming opinions on my own, and I don’t want to read other reviews to tell me what to think about it.
3. It was chock-full of bull and I need to express my feelings.

Here’s the basic plot: Harry’s middle child—named ALBUS SEVERUS, FOR GOD’S SAKE—goes to Hogwarts and gets sorted into Slytherin and makes friends with Draco’s kid, Scorpius. Then Amos Diggory who’s mad old and is about to die decides imminent death would be a good time to bring his long-dead son back to life, Cedric. You know, the *spare* that was kilt during the Triwizard Tournament by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named a.k.a. the Dark Lord a.k.a. Tom Marvolo Riddle a.k.a Tommy R a.k.a. the baddest motherfucker alive/dead, Voldemort.

Amos has this niece Delphi who’s 20-something and meets Albus at his house and is clumsy, maybe? Then Albus and Harry fight cause Harry’s kind of a dick dad, Albus leaves for school, finds out there’s still a Time-Turner (all were destroyed during the “Battle of the Department of Mysteries”), tells Scorpius—his bff/potential love interest—that they got to go back in time and save Cedric. They do, they change things in the past, things in the future get messed up, turns out Delphi is not Amos’s niece but instead Voldemort’s daughter he had with Bellatrix Lestrange (they got their freak on at some point during the Battle of Hogwarts), Delphi tries to kill everyone, Harry prevails, etc.

Where I Take Issue

Albus in Slytherin

Why the eff did he get sorted into Slytherin? First, he’s Potter-Weasley. Second, he WANTED Gryffindor. The sorting hat’s really gonna be that cold? To deny a little first year the house he desperately wanted? I call hippogriff shit. Sorting hat is reasonable as fuck and li’l Albus, despite his bitchassness, is no Slytherin.

Albus + Scorpius

Good lord, the theme of friendship throughout this whole play was more vomit-inducing than a bag of puking pastilles (yo I killed it on that one). Albus and Scorpius hug one thousand times and are ALWAYS real shy and nervous about it. They constantly tell each other they’re best friends, cry when they’re separated, talk about how badly they need each other, and get jealous when they make other friends. They are full-on in love. And of course that’s cool and 100 and everything, EXCEPT they’re not actually in love. I thought for sure they were gonna be bf/bf, but instead Albus likes Delphi-spawn-of-Voldemort and Scorpius likes Ron and Hermione’s girl, Rose.

It ain’t fair. Albus and Scorpius are, without a doubt, totally in love. Dumbledore was closeted his whole life, can’t these sweet young boys at least have a chance?

How They Use “Dumbledore” Instead of God

“Thank Dumbledore.” “Oh my Dumbledore.” Really really lame and lazy.

When I was 10 I met a girl with a fake Irish accent at a playground. Asked her what her favorite TV show was, she said “Ireland.” She fell off the monkey bars and shouted “Oh my God!” and then followed it with “Oh my Ireland!” That little weirdo was 1000 times more convincing.

Time-Turners

So this play claims all the Time-Turners got destroyed during the Battle of the Department of Mysteries. That was back in Harry’s fifth year when he got punked hardcore by Voldemort and then made Sirius die, remember? Well seems like ever after that, they decided Time-Turners were the work of the devil, they never made them again, and only bad people held on to the precious few that remained. Fast forward a couple decades later—Harry finds one, gives it to Hermione (the Minister of Magic, of course). She keeps it hidden with magic and stuff cause it’s muy peligroso.

So the entire premise kind of rests on the notion that going back in time is dangerous. True, I respect that—I’ve seen Back to the Future, I’m no dum dum. But are Time-Turners really that dangerous? When Hermione was a third year, she was allowed to have one just cause she was a hella nerd and wanted to take more classes. Back then, children could have them, and now they’re instruments of the dark arts? Nuh-uh, don’t buy it.

Cedric’s Response to Humiliation

When Albus and Scorpius go back in time, they want to get Cedric out of the Triwizard Tournament so that he won’t get murdered by Voldemort after the last event. Geniuses they are, they figure the best way to knock him out of the running is to embarrass him. Well, those assholes do embarrass him. He gets so embarrassed that he becomes evil and pledges allegiance to Voldemort. As a result, Voldemort (somehow) lives and everything’s awful in the future.

Cedric was a humble, athletic, charming babe. One tiny embarrassment and he turns into a Death Eater? DOUBT IT. Let’s be real. If Cedric got embarrassed at the Triwizard Tournament he would’ve hoofed it back to the Hufflepuff common room, downed a couple butterbeers, knocked boots with Cho for a few hours, fallen asleep, and forgotten about the whole thing by morning.

Delphi’s Existence

This the big one. First, I cannot accept that she exists. Second, even if I could accept it, I couldn’t accept that she’s a successful dark wizard.

Let’s focus on the first part. Delphi is supposed to be Voldemort’s heir. At some point during the Battle of Hogwarts, Voldemort decided it’d be a good time to put a baby in Bellatrix. Funny it took him that long to come up with the idea, right? I mean, damn, it’s a much easier way of continuing a legacy than his first attempt, Horcruxes. You’d think the most powerful wizard of all time, clever as he was, would have thought about the simplicity of baby-making before SPLITTING HIS SOUL INTO SEVEN PIECES AND HIDING THEM INSIDE OF CAVES AND SNAKES AND SHIT.

There’s no way Voldemort would have a kid. He was evil as hell, he wouldn’t fux with no baby. He wouldn’t fux with nobody. Imagine Voldemort with an erection. You can’t. Dude probably didn’t even have a wiener. Voldemort’s the type of monster that’s got no nose, no soul, and no wiener. He’s not a person. He can’t do person things, and sex is part of being a person.

Besides that, playa was like 1,000 years old at the Battle of Hogwarts. J/K, he was like 70 or 71, and Bellatrix was like 47. I’m supposed to believe a 70-year-old wizard can knock up a 47-year-old witch on a single go-round? Well, I don’t. I don’t believe it. No sorcery in the world is strong enough for that.

LASTLY, let’s say it happened (for argument only, because it definitely did not happen). Bellatrix would have spent her entire pregnancy in Azkaban. Then what happens? Delphi claimed she slid under the radar and didn’t have to go to Hogwarts. Um, how? How can an orphan baby slide under the radar? You on the books since birth, ya fool. EVERYBODY WOULD KNOW ABOUT YOU, DELPHI YOU DUMB MOTHERFUNKER.

Maybe everybody wouldn’t know she was Voldemort’s bastard baby, but they’d know her mother was an evil sociopath and the ministry would be watching her move since the day she was born. But no, no one knows about her. She gets taken in by Death Eaters who are mean to her despite her A1 heritage, she doesn’t go to school, and still somehow becomes a powerful wizard who loves and respects the Dark Lord. How would she even know Voldemort’s her father? Did she get to visit Azkaban and chat with her moms? Who was the dementor on duty that night, CAUSE HE BLEW IT.

One More Comment
JK Rowling, I’m sorry to hate so hard. I still loved being back in your world. If I ever get a chance to see the play, I will write a review about how wonderful it surely is.