Monthly Archives: January 2012

Every time a dog pees, I cry

Last weekend I was in charge of taking out the dog. For the most part, whenever Chico started creep-staring with his monkey eyes, it was my duty to take him outside for a whiz. I’d gear up in the family dog-walking outfit — long coat, stupid hat, flashlight headband — and take the little muttdogger out. And boy, ain’t it a hassle in the assle!

For some reason, taking out dogs is the most difficult of all household chores. It’s different than dog walking — dog walking is voluntary and pleasant. When I feel like walking the dog, I’m happy to strap on a coal miner’s headlight and go for a stroll. When I’m on the couch in a bathrobe, yelling at Jenelle Evans that I seen her with Kieffah, and Chico starts scratching at my eyeballs, dog walking is neither voluntary nor pleasant.

Only people who watch Teen Mom 2 will appreciate this video. 

I was going to do my own impression's of Jenelle's mom, but it came out way too disturbing. Enjoy this lovely picture instead!

I think, in part, it’s Chico’s fault. He’s real picky with his pooping, so a quick trip outside ends up being a 20-minute search for the perfect patch of snow. Plus, sometimes he fake limps, going as far as walking with only three legs. The vet’s checked him out and said he’s fine — he really just pretends to have a bum leg. Do you know how embarrassing that is? Especially if we run into other dogs? It’s like making fun of an amputee! He’s sick!

Look at that devil!

My past experiences are also partly to blame for my hatred of taking out dogs. Just one past experience, really.

It happened when I was 13.

I had just gotten home from a long day of the 8th grade. I was pretty stressed out from having to wear jeans all day, so I changed into some ripped boxer shorts, grabbed a snack, and turned on the TV. I was about halfway through a bowl of shredded mozzarella cheese and an episode of Jett Jackson when our then-family-dog, Halle, started a-whimpering. Girl needed to pee.

Even though it was the middle of winter, I threw on a gross old barn coat over my boxers, my favorite pair of backless slippers, and headed outside with Halle. It was below freezing, but I felt fine. So fine, in fact, that when Halle walked across the driveway, into the yard, and up onto the two feet of crusty snow, I followed along. It was like walking on water, except even cooler because it was fragile ice instead!

Fun fact: I've had these slippers since 3rd grade. They've fit me perfectly every year since then. They're tied with 9 other objects on my "Top 10 Favorite Object List."

I walked about five steps before da inevitable happened: my right foot crashed through the ice and into the snow, cutting my bare leg on the way down. Not wanting to keep it there for long, I tried lifting it out. Unfortunately, while doing that, my other foot crashed through the ice, too.

In the confusion of having very cold, very hurty feet and legs, I dropped Halle’s leash. Apparently a dog leash is less heavy than a chubby 8th grader, because it slid across the ice and down the little hill in our front yard and (kind of) wrapped itself around a tree.

I guess slippers are less heavy than chubby 8th graders, too; the next two steps I took resulted in the loss of both slippers. I had no pants, no leash, and no shoes. All I had were some bloody feets and a steady stream of drive-by spectators. And some tears… had a a fair amount of tears, too.

BRB. Chico needs to whizzle.

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Living at home ain’t that bad

Here is a list of reasons why I haven’t updated in over a month:

1. Teen Mom 2 (Chelsea’s mom looks like Kathy Griffin.)

2. Love & Hip Hop (Fabolous a dog.)

3. T.I. and Tiny: The Family Hustle (Do they have a son named “Da Money”?)

4. The Big Bang Theory (I want a friend like Sheldon.)

5. Chef Roble & Co. (That African mixologist is only dating you for camera time, Jasmine.)

6. Love Games (Sydney think she ghetto fabulous Katy Perry. Trick please.)

7. Toddlers and Tiaras (A dolla make me holla, honey boo boo child.)

8. Hoarders (Clean up, sickos.)

9. Intervention (Clean up, sickos.)

10. Dexter (Spoiler alert: THAT SHIT CRAY.)

11. Storage Wars (Jarrod and Brandi need to step their unit-picking game up.)

12. Dance Moms (Why wouldn’t you want to be like Maddie? I want to be like Maddie!)

13. I moved home to Maine.

14. I got a full-time job.

15. This precious child:

His name's Tyson, but I call him Da Money

Actually, I really did move home and get a full-time job — but, including the three and a half hour drive from Connecticut to Maine, the entire move took less than five hours, and I only started my new job on Tuesday. Other than hanging out with my favorite nephew, all I’ve done for the past month is watch TV. It’s just so fun! And easy!

Sadly, though, the funness and easiness of doing nothing but televisioning has come to an end. Look at me — I’m an adult now! I’m a college graduate! I have a real job! I moved back in with my parents! I sleep in the same twin-sized bed I sleep-puked Chinese food on in kindergarten! I made it!

It fits me nicely!

Even though moving in with my parents may not sound very cool, I really am excited. There’s a lot of benefits that come with living in Maine’s golden town.

1. I live fa free.

2. I eat fa free.

3. I’m kind of close to ski mountains, which makes skiing down mountains much easier.

4. I live across the street from a fine nighttime establishment — the type of bar where everyone knows your name, and daughters fist fight their fathers, and patrons crash cars into the house across the street once every few years. Here’s the only Google review of the place:

5. In the summer of 2003, when I was away from home for a few days, my oldest sister surprised me by re-decorating my room. She painted the walls baby blue, pasted dragonflies on my desk (which she also painted baby blue), and stuck random pieces of flowery paper on the walls. I’ve always been very feminine and sweet, so it’s nice to have a room that reflects my personality so well.

Mowing the lawn in my leather jacket -- such a lady!

6. We have a nice wood stove in our kitchen, ideal for bottom warming and the like. Turns out, it’s also ideal for bottom burning. (By the way, khakis are not ideal for wearing with burned butts. They don’t hide butt burn ooze very well, and that can be embarrassing if you wear them to school.)

7. My parents like watching TV, too. And American Idol auditions just started!