Here is a list of reasons why I haven’t updated in over a month:

1. Teen Mom 2 (Chelsea’s mom looks like Kathy Griffin.)

2. Love & Hip Hop (Fabolous a dog.)

3. T.I. and Tiny: The Family Hustle (Do they have a son named “Da Money”?)

4. The Big Bang Theory (I want a friend like Sheldon.)

5. Chef Roble & Co. (That African mixologist is only dating you for camera time, Jasmine.)

6. Love Games (Sydney think she ghetto fabulous Katy Perry. Trick please.)

7. Toddlers and Tiaras (A dolla make me holla, honey boo boo child.)

8. Hoarders (Clean up, sickos.)

9. Intervention (Clean up, sickos.)

10. Dexter (Spoiler alert: THAT SHIT CRAY.)

11. Storage Wars (Jarrod and Brandi need to step their unit-picking game up.)

12. Dance Moms (Why wouldn’t you want to be like Maddie? I want to be like Maddie!)

13. I moved home to Maine.

14. I got a full-time job.

15. This precious child:

Actually, I really did move home and get a full-time job — but, including the three and a half hour drive from Connecticut to Maine, the entire move took less than five hours, and I only started my new job on Tuesday. Other than hanging out with my favorite nephew, all I’ve done for the past month is watch TV. It’s just so fun! And easy!

Sadly, though, the funness and easiness of doing nothing but televisioning has come to an end. Look at me — I’m an adult now! I’m a college graduate! I have a real job! I moved back in with my parents! I sleep in the same twin-sized bed I sleep-puked Chinese food on in kindergarten! I made it!

Even though moving in with my parents may not sound very cool, I really am excited. There’s a lot of benefits that come with living in Maine’s golden town.

1. I live fa free.

2. I eat fa free.

3. I’m kind of close to ski mountains, which makes skiing down mountains much easier.

4. I live across the street from a fine nighttime establishment — the type of bar where everyone knows your name, and daughters fist fight their fathers, and patrons crash cars into the house across the street once every few years. Here’s the only Google review of the place:

5. In the summer of 2003, when I was away from home for a few days, my oldest sister surprised me by re-decorating my room. She painted the walls baby blue, pasted dragonflies on my desk (which she also painted baby blue), and stuck random pieces of flowery paper on the walls. I’ve always been very feminine and sweet, so it’s nice to have a room that reflects my personality so well.

6. We have a nice wood stove in our kitchen, ideal for bottom warming and the like. Turns out, it’s also ideal for bottom burning. (By the way, khakis are not ideal for wearing with burned butts. They don’t hide butt burn ooze very well, and that can be embarrassing if you wear them to school.)

7. My parents like watching TV, too. And American Idol auditions just started!