My sister Meg and her boyfriend Isaac have been kind enough to let me live with them and they cute baby, Tyson. For the past two and a half weeks, they’ve given me shelter and Greek yogurt and unlimited access to season 6 of Dexter. The only thing they haven’t given me is privacy.
Not like they’re all up in my bidnass or anything, goodness nah. They’ve not only given me my own bedroom – the biggest one I’ve ever had, even – but it came with a door and a lock and a comfortable bed and a huge TV and cable and everything. If I wanted, I could chill in my pimp room and act private all day. At least, I could be private from Meg and Isaac and Tyson. I just can’t be private from the neighbors. Sees, it’s a new crib and I ain’t got no curtains yet.
Luckily, having no curtains isn’t that big of a deal. If I don’t want my neighbors to see me in da buff, I can always change in the bathroom, or the closet, or behind the wardrobe. And since curtains are easy enough to come by, I could even hop on down to Walmart and buy myself a set. (Do curtains come in sets?)
When it comes to getting ready and purchasing household necessities, though, I’m a lazy little arseholio. Therefore, I usually don’t bother to hide myself from the bare windows, and I have no plans to do so in the future. I figure, if my mom’s 7o-year-old employee man has already seen me naked, at their office, a few peeping neighbors ain’t no thang.
How my mom’s 70-year-old employee man saw me naked
Last summer (maybe it was in the fall, but now that I’m done with school everything feels like summer), a real trick of a hurricane hit the U.S. Her name was Irene, and she really wasn’t that tricktastic, but she did knock out the power in my hometown for a while. It wasn’t even out for 24 hours, actually, but since my mom’s work has a shower in the basement and I get stanky quick, I went to her office to defunkify myself.
Since my mom had showered before me, she gave me a few tips.
Mom: Bathroom light’s broked. Leave the door to the hallway open, no one goes down there anyway. Maybe even leave the shower curtain open, too. And remember, it’s a shower. You’ll want to be very naked for it.
Always obedient, I did everything my mother said. I left the door to the hallway open, and the shower curtain to the bathroom open. And I got very naked. For fun, I threw my clothes, underpants included, all over the room. And then, it was time to shower.
Apparently, it was also time for the elderly fellow from the shipping department, Joe, and the UPS dude to make their monthly visit to the basement. About three minutes into my shower, I started hearing banging down the hallway. At the same time I figured out there were people in the basement – about five seconds after hearing the banging – two shadows passed in front of the open bathroom door. I’d tried to shut the curtain, but my next encounter with Joe let me know I didn’t do it in time.
Joe: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? SHUT THE DOOR NEXT TIME YOU SHOWER HERE, YOU SICKO.
After hearing Joe, who’s usually real jokey, sassinate me for showering in the open, a lack of bedroom curtains doesn’t seem that bad.