Author Archives: classygallie

Bunny Killer

The other day at the vet’s office, I ran into a woman I used to work with at a college. I was in line with my newly toothless dog* and she was at the register, waiting to check out.

“Oh, Amy? Amy my former colleague?” I asked, knowing full well that it was indeed Amy my former colleague.

“Hi…” she said HELLA tentatively, very clearly not remembering who I was.

“Amy!” I admonished. “I get that I’m 3.5 years older than the last time I saw you, and many, many pounds heavier, and my face has not quite held up to the past year’s emotions, but YA KNOW ME. I took photos of you for the alumni magazine! I endangered two of your children by taking them off-roading in a golf cart! I helped your husband, the staff farmer, wrangle sheeps!”

She still ain’t recognize me, but she tried to be friendly.

“Yes, right. How are you?” she asked.

“Great,” I answered. “The vet just pulled a bloody broken tooth out of me dog’s smelly head. What’s good with you?” As I asked, I noticed a very petite cat carrier at her feet and deduced there had to be a very petite cat within. I bent down and confirmed it.

“YOU’VE AN ADORABLE KITTEN!” I screamed.

“I do!” she nodded, now friendly for real. “Eight weeks old. She’s a bunny killer.”

Chico, my dog, was sniffing the cage and the kitten hissed at him. I pulled him back like, holy shit, that is a goddamn bunny killer in there. I’d never heard of such a thing.

(Note: Most of the previous dialogue was made up, but the following conversation is verbatim.)

“A bunny killer?” I asked. “That’s crazy! How many bunnies has she killed?”

Amy looked at me but didn’t respond, then turned back to the woman behind the counter to finish checking out. I waited a few moments for a lull in their exchange before continuing my interrogation.

“Like, full-grown bunnies or baby bunnies? How does she get to them?”

Again, Amy just looked at me. She seemed confused and I realized that I’d misunderstood her. I was acting as if it was a bad thing, this bunny-killing kitten of hers, but she and her husband were farmers. Bunnies were a nuisance in their world. They probably got this cat specifically to kill bunnies, so they could eat them or something.

“Oooh, did you get this cat specifically to kill bunnies?” I asked.

Again, she looked at me. At this point—maybe three minutes into my questioning—I could tell she definitely didn’t feel like talking about it. BUT THEN WHY BRING IT UP AT ALL, AMY?!?!?

“Wait, so, has she even killed any rabbits yet?” (This time I used “rabbits” instead of “bunnies,” to sound more professional.)

Finally, she answered me.  “You… you keep talking about killing bunnies. But all I said was ‘she’s an itty bitty kitten.’”

“OoOoOoOoOohhhhhhhhhhh,” I said, very embarrassed. “Yes, she is a small cat.”

She finished paying her bill and nodded goodbye and left.

*Here’s a picture of Chico’s mouth.

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People are sharing what happens when you try contacts and it’s somethin’ else*

Before I get into this story—which is really only about my experience with contact lenses (sorry if my title tricked you; that was my intent)—I feel like I should address my nearly yearlong hiatus. There’s usually a point in every blog’s life where its blogger apologizes for not blogging often enough. I am not apologizing, because who the hell cares! Just thought I should mention it. Gonna try to write more, because it’s a better hobby than rewatching blooper compilations on YouTube, but I’ll probably give up pretty quick.

Here goes—

My first introduction to contact lenses was in 2012 or 2013. I’d only been wearing glasses for a year or two when my eldest sister decided it was time I try contacts.

“No thanks, sister,” I said. “I only wear glasses for driving and watching TV. I don’t need contacts.”

“I think you do,” she said.

“I think conversely to the way you think.”

The conversation didn’t go much further because at that point, it had been decided: if I didn’t want to try contacts, then I don’t need permission, make my own decisions, that’s my prerogative then my sister would force me. Which she did. My sister, WHO IS AN EDUCATED, PROFESSIONAL, WORKING MOTHER, chased me around the house, ~grabbed me by the back of the shirt, and stabbed a pair of her contacts into my eyes.

Not surprisingly, the trial didn’t go well. Beyond the fact that she had jabbed plastic into my eyeballs, they were her prescription instead of mine. So not only did they make my vision worse, but—since I have an astigmatism and she doesn’t—they also hurt like a mothertrucking buttcheek on a stick.

Since it’s 2018 and I wear glasses all the time now, I recently decided to give contacts another go. They still suck so much. Why does anyone wear them? It makes me mad that they do.

My problems with contacts:

  1. Very uncomfortable
  2. Very, very hard to put in. It should be easier
  3. Everything is blurry. Stuff should look better
  4. Can’t swim in them (according to my doctor. SO THEN WHAT IS THE POINT!?)
  5. Can’t rub my eyes as intensely as desired, which I would say is medium-intense
  6. Have to wash my hands more often than desired
  7. Can’t wear my glasses and I like my glasses because they’re like jewelry except useful
  8. But when I do wear my glasses, I now notice how the frames push into my face and that makes me pissed

Maybe next my sister will decide it’s time I get Lasik and she will slice off my corneas/burn them with lasers. Will let ya know.

*I plagiarized this blog’s title from a Buzzfeed article because I’m lazy and I think clickbait is funny but maybe also effective? We shall see.

My take on the news

I’ve decided to start blogging about current events. I have a journalism degree PLUS I recently started reading/subscribing to The New York Times. I believe that makes me the most qualified person in the world.

Thinking I’ll do this every day, or a couple times a week, or whenever I feel like it/only this one time. For the inaugural post I’ll do the lead story on nytimes.com. And I’ll always try to do that (the lead story), but I’ll reserve the right to choose something else when I want to.

The all-new Audi S5 Coupe.

Screen Shot 2017-03-06 at 11.00.57 AM.png

My take: The car looks very shiny and blue, which is excellent, but I’m not sure that’s a real road it’s driving on. This is most likely fake news.

Celebrity sightings

Quickly, and before I get into the very important business of celebrity sightings, please remember that your senators and House representatives work for you. You can call them up any day (and every day) and ask them to support the causes you care about, and stand up against policies that concern you.

For instance, you could find your Senators’ phone numbers and call them up this very minute and ask them not to confirm Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education, who doesn’t believe in providing free and appropriate education for children with disabilities.

You could call them up and tell them you’re concerned about the president’s order to ban refugees from Muslim countries from entering the U.S.

Or you could call them up and complain about traffic in your city, or that the water tastes gross, or whatever. But remember to call them and to keep caring. That’s how democracy survives.

(BTW, it’s better to find the phone numbers of their local offices and call those.)

OK, on to the very important post:


Earlier this month, my oldest, sweetest, kindest sister took me to see Hamilton in New York. I can’t even begin to articulate how wonderful an experience it was. Michele Obama called it the best piece of art she’s ever seen in her life, and a bigwig at the Public Theater in New York compared Lin-Manuel Miranda, its creator, to Shakespeare. Nothing I could say would add anything to what’s already been said. It was really, really, really, good. I cried a couple times, and laughed a lot, and smelled more farts than I care to remember.

(For real. Those seats are packed seriously tight in the Richard Rodgers Theatre, and someone’s booty was working overtime. They smelled like the farts of a child, as a note.)

So instead of trying to review the best piece of art ever created, by Shakespeare’s successor, I will tell you about the other great part of trip to New York City.

I
SPOTTED
SO 
MANY
GOTDAMN 
CELEBRITIES

Celebrity-spotting is my favorite hobby. I love it. Holy moly do I love it. I don’t know why—I don’t read gossip magazines, I don’t write fan mail, I don’t even ask celebrities for pictures or autographs when I spot em out and about. But for some reason, I sure do love spotting em out and about.

And that’s important, that they’re out and about. When I worked at a radio station I got to see musicians fairly often. While it was fun and I loved it, it wasn’t nearly as exciting as spotting celebrities in the wild. When you see them at a radio event, you know they’re going to be there. You expect it and it takes no effort. But when you catch a glimpse of Constance Shulman, voice of Patty Mayonnaise and actress of Yoga Jones, walking down the avenue, that takes work.

I didn’t see Constance Shulman when I was in New York earlier this month (I saw her about a year ago, and it was fly as hell). But here are the three (3!!!!!) celebrities I did see earlier this month. You may not know any of them. If that’s the case, be even MORE impressed by how good of a celeb-spotter I am.

In chronological order of sighting:

Nick Kroll

He’s in The League and dated Amy Poehler for a little while. We were standing in line for Hamilton, and Nick Kroll goes strolling by. I says to my sisters I says, OH SHIT LOOK WHO IT BE. NICK KROLL THE KING.” They laughed because they thought I was kidding, and then they looked and saw freaking King Kroll.

Not sure why I’m calling him the king. He good but no, he no es royalty. 

Nick Kroll

Oh, you must think I’m losing it, putting Nick Kroll on this list twice. YOU WRONG I AIN’T LOSING IT. I truly did see him two times. After the show was over, and within ten minutes of leaving the theater, Mr. Nick Kroll goes strolling by again. I says to my sisters I say, OH SHIT LOOK IT’S NICK KROLL AGAIN.” Once more, they laughed, thinking I was bluffing. Once more, they realized the reason in my words and bowed to my skill and greatness.

It seems like maybe he saw Hamilton with us, but I’m not convinced. Apparently he’s got his own Broadway show right now, and he was walking in the wrong direction for leaving the theater. I don’t know, but I do know he looks far more trustworthy in person than he does in movies and on television. Not that he looks untrustworthy on TV, he just looks exceptionally trustworthy in person.

Oh and very quickly: those eyes of his. Pretty big, right? They look so sticky, Nick Kroll’s eyes do. I bet they’re cat fur magnets. My mom had an employee who once claimed to have 100 cat hairs in each eye. That’s a total of 200 cat hairs. I bet Nick Kroll has had 200 cat hairs in his eyes before. He king tho.

John Magaro

Have you seen The Big Short or Carol? Or Orange is the New Black? He’s in those. We were heading back to the car after the play and I looked my right and saw a familiar man in a beanie, carrying a paper bag.

“Ooh this beanie-wearing playa,” I thought. I know I seen this beanie-wearing playa before.”

I was carrying my niece and so he got ahead of us, but I ran back to my sisters and told them, Hey go chase down that man, I swears to Dog he famous.”

So they chased him down. He couldn’t see them, on account of walking direction and eye placement on human heads, but those two sisters of mine jogged up right behind him. They got a good look at his grill, shrugged, and came back to tell me they hadn’t a damn clue who he was. He was on to us by then, and ducked into a building’s vestibule for eluding purposes. It was a terrible escape plan, because when he left the vestibule he again had to pass us. I got another good look, and knew for sure I recognized him, but couldn’t place him. I could picture him being sad, and being someone’s boyfriend, and having an Italian accent.

It was really bothering me so on the way home from NYC I pulled up a list of the top box office movies for 2016, and then the top box office movies for 2015. The second I saw The Big Short, I knew I had my man. I texted my friend about it and she remembered he was also a little New York Italian man in OITNB

Abigail Breslin

She was the little dancing girl in Little Miss Sunshine. My sisters missed her, because they’ve got TERRIBLE celeb-spotting abilities, and also she’s an adult now and it’s hard to spot child celebrities when they become adults. But me, YA GIRL, I seen her and recognized her so A$AP it was a miracle.

Whoa, I didn’t realize she’s Spencer Breslin’s little sister. That’s the kid from The Cat and the Hat. He also played the adult-child elf in The Santa Clause. Neat.

Anyway, she was smoking a cigarette and was walking with two people. Actually I just found her Instagram and this is almost exactly what I saw.


Please comment below with your best celebrity sightings. I love to hear about them as much as I love to live them.

Benjamin Franklin Did Not Make New Year’s Resolutions

Pretend it’s the 1700s and you run into Benjamin Franklin at a cheesesteak restaurant in Philly.

“Benjamin, my man,” you say. “Happy New Year! Make any resolutions for 1757?”

“No,” Benjamin Franklin says, taking a bite of his cheesesteak. “Homey don’t play dat.”

He leaves a hundred dollar bill in the tip jar, pats you on the back, and walks out the door. Through the restaurant’s front windows, you see him toss the rest of his sandwich to a seagull. The bird catches it midair.

Ben Franklin didn’t make New Year’s resolutions because Ben Franklin didn’t need New Year’s resolutions. His entire life was a resolution.

When he was 20 years old, Benjamin realized if he ever wanted to make a Founding Father out of himself, he’d have to step his game up.

“It’d be dope to invent important things,” a young Benjamin thought. “I want to invent fire departments and libraries and post offices and other good things. Maybe glasses and wood stoves, too. I bet I could figure out how electricity works. I bet I could be the president of Pennsylvania. I bet I help America gain its mo-fuckin independence, for God’s sake.”

He slept on it for a night.

“Yeah. I’mma do every single one of those tings.”

So he did. But like I said, he knew his game needed improvement. He sat down and wrote a list of the virtues he thought would make him a better man.

“I want to be more industrious and resolved, but less smelly and slutty. Also, cheaper and quieter.”

His list virtues included: temperance, silence, order, resolution, frugality, industry, sincerity, justice, moderation, cleanliness, tranquility, chastity, and humility.

That’s 13 in total, which was auspicious as hell because:

  1. The OG USA had 13 colonies, so that’s nice
  2. 13 goes into 52 a clean 4 times, so that’s math

And thus Benjamin had his plan. In a series of four 13-week cycles throughout a year, he would spend a week focusing on each of his virtues. At the end of each day, he’d reflect on how he’d done did. I think he had a crew of playas doing the same thing too, and they’d all meet up to discuss their progress every now and again. Benjamin claimed to have never fully perfected his virtues, but we can agree the dude probably came pretty damn close.

I know Alexander Hamilton’s the hottest Founding Father around right now, but Ben’s always been my man. Having played him in a fourth-grade production about time-traveling revolutionaries, I feel extra connected to the dude. And so for the past two years, I’ve been doing as Ben would—working on my own list of 13 virtues.

I’m not telling you all my virtues, because they’re personal and intimate and I might not even know who da fuq you is. I can, however, share a few.

Change

Last fall, I cut 8 to 10 inches of hair off my head. I wrote a whole blog post about how much I hated it. Here’s a fun fact: I didn’t actually hate the haircut—in fact, it looked way better than my long witchly locks ever did—I just hated that it was a change. I am terrified of change.

I don’t really want to get too deep into it (it requires more self-introspection than I am capable of), but some smart psychologists, James and Elizabeth Bugental, talk about it in their article, “A Fate Worse Than Dying, The Fear of Change.” This is what they say:

“When one feels that identity and the known world are in danger of being swept away, it is truly terrifying. The price of preserving the familiar meaning world and one’s place in it may be literal and physical death.”

See—I’m afraid change will beget death. But most changes don’t, and it’s not like anyone can avoid death anyway. So, we might as well have good haircuts in the meantime.

Presence

For me, presence simply means: DON’T CHECK YOUR EMAIL AND SOCIAL MEDIA AND THE WEATHER SO EFFING MUCH.

I still do, but maybe 1% less than I used to.

Environment

I try to recycle more and drive less. Mostly because, from what I understand, Earth will be uninhabitable pretty soon, and that will be bad for all of us.


Those are the only ones I feel like sharing. But I do have 13 of them, and I do try to focus on one per week. Sometimes I forget, and sometimes I remember but don’t bother thinking about it. But no matter what, it’s been a useful exercise, if only because it makes me feel like Benjamin Franklin.

If you were planning on making a resolution, maybe try this instead. Or don’t. Remember, the world might be uninhabitable pretty soon, so it won’t matter.

Happy 2017!

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child: Issues

Warning: This contains many, many spoilers. Every one of them.

Second Warning: This goes pretty in-depth into the Harry Potter world and the majority of you probably won’t be interested

This morning, a man stopped at a red light behind me took out his cell phone and took a picture of the back of my car.

“He could have been taking a selfie, you idiot” says the millions of h8rs alive and well on the internet, including me.

You’re right, he could have. But I’m pretty sure it was a picture of my car because I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES, ALL RIGHT?

Even though my ‘05 Pontiac is extremely attractive, people never used to take pictures of it. But then I adorned its beautiful backside with a Hogwarts alumni sticker, and people started to take pictures of it.

My '05 Vibe

My ’05 Vibe

We all know I did not go to Hogwarts, because it doesn’t exist. Even if it did exist, I’m a muggle, and that shit ain’t for muggles. And even if I weren’t a muggle and I did go to Hogwarts, then I wouldn’t be advertising the fact. (Because I absolutely would have been sorted into Hufflepuff and no one brags about being in gotdamn Hufflepuff.)

So if I did not go to Hogwarts, but I do have a Hogwarts sticker on my car, then I must like Harry Potter a lot. And in fact I do. I like Harry Potter so much that I pre-ordered the new HP play, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. I have since read it and would like to review it here, for a couple of reasons. (Here come the spoilers. Enemies of the heir, beware.)

  1. None of my friends have read it, at least that I know of, and I really need to discuss it.
  2. Lately (and most of my life) I’ve been bad at thinking critically/forming opinions on my own, and I don’t want to read other reviews to tell me what to think about it.
  3. It was chock-full of bull and I need to express my feelings.

Here’s the basic plot: Harry’s middle child—named ALBUS SEVERUS, FOR GOD’S SAKE—goes to Hogwarts and gets sorted into Slytherin and makes friends with Draco’s kid, Scorpius. Then Amos Diggory who’s mad old and is about to die decides imminent death would be a good time to bring his long-dead son back to life, Cedric. You know, the *spare* that was kilt during the Triwizard Tournament by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named a.k.a. the Dark Lord a.k.a. Tom Marvolo Riddle a.k.a Tommy R a.k.a. the baddest motherfucker alive/dead, Voldemort.

Amos has this niece Delphi who’s 20-something and meets Albus at his house and is clumsy, maybe? Then Albus and Harry fight cause Harry’s kind of a dick dad, Albus leaves for school, finds out there’s still a Time-Turner (all were destroyed during the “Battle of the Department of Mysteries”), tells Scorpius—his bff/potential love interest—that they got to go back in time and save Cedric. They do, they change things in the past, things in the future get messed up, turns out Delphi is not Amos’s niece but instead Voldemort’s daughter he had with Bellatrix Lestrange (they got their freak on at some point during the Battle of Hogwarts), Delphi tries to kill everyone, Harry prevails, etc.

Where I Take Issue

Albus in Slytherin

Why the eff did he get sorted into Slytherin? First, he’s Potter-Weasley. Second, he WANTED Gryffindor. The sorting hat’s really gonna be that cold? To deny a little first year the house he desperately wanted? I call hippogriff shit. Sorting hat is reasonable as fuck and li’l Albus, despite his bitchassness, is no Slytherin.

Albus + Scorpius

Good lord, the theme of friendship throughout this whole play was more vomit-inducing than a bag of puking pastilles (yo I killed it on that one). Albus and Scorpius hug one thousand times and are ALWAYS real shy and nervous about it. They constantly tell each other they’re best friends, cry when they’re separated, talk about how badly they need each other, and get jealous when they make other friends. They are full-on in love. And of course that’s cool and 100 and everything, EXCEPT they’re not actually in love. I thought for sure they were gonna be bf/bf, but instead Albus likes Delphi-spawn-of-Voldemort and Scorpius likes Ron and Hermione’s girl, Rose.

It ain’t fair. Albus and Scorpius are, without a doubt, totally in love. Dumbledore was closeted his whole life, can’t these sweet young boys at least have a chance?

How They Use “Dumbledore” Instead of God

“Thank Dumbledore.” “Oh my Dumbledore.” Really really lame and lazy.

When I was 10 I met a girl with a fake Irish accent at a playground. Asked her what her favorite TV show was, she said “Ireland.” She fell off the monkey bars and shouted “Oh my God!” and then followed it with “Oh my Ireland!” That little weirdo was 1000 times more convincing.

Time-Turners

So this play claims all the Time-Turners got destroyed during the Battle of the Department of Mysteries. That was back in Harry’s fifth year when he got punked hardcore by Voldemort and then made Sirius die, remember? Well seems like ever after that, they decided Time-Turners were the work of the devil, they never made them again, and only bad people held on to the precious few that remained. Fast forward a couple decades later—Harry finds one, gives it to Hermione (the Minister of Magic, of course). She keeps it hidden with magic and stuff cause it’s muy peligroso.

So the entire premise kind of rests on the notion that going back in time is dangerous. True, I respect that—I’ve seen Back to the Future, I’m no dum dum. But are Time-Turners really that dangerous? When Hermione was a third year, she was allowed to have one just cause she was a hella nerd and wanted to take more classes. Back then, children could have them, and now they’re instruments of the dark arts? Nuh-uh, don’t buy it.

Cedric’s Response to Humiliation

When Albus and Scorpius go back in time, they want to get Cedric out of the Triwizard Tournament so that he won’t get murdered by Voldemort after the last event. Geniuses they are, they figure the best way to knock him out of the running is to embarrass him. Well, those assholes do embarrass him. He gets so embarrassed that he becomes evil and pledges allegiance to Voldemort. As a result, Voldemort (somehow) lives and everything’s awful in the future.

Cedric was a humble, athletic, charming babe. One tiny embarrassment and he turns into a Death Eater? DOUBT IT. Let’s be real. If Cedric got embarrassed at the Triwizard Tournament he would’ve hoofed it back to the Hufflepuff common room, downed a couple butterbeers, knocked boots with Cho for a few hours, fallen asleep, and forgotten about the whole thing by morning.

Delphi’s Existence

This the big one. First, I cannot accept that she exists. Second, even if I could accept it, I couldn’t accept that she’s a successful dark wizard.

Let’s focus on the first part. Delphi is supposed to be Voldemort’s heir. At some point during the Battle of Hogwarts, Voldemort decided it’d be a good time to put a baby in Bellatrix. Funny it took him that long to come up with the idea, right? I mean, damn, it’s a much easier way of continuing a legacy than his first attempt, Horcruxes. You’d think the most powerful wizard of all time, clever as he was, would have thought about the simplicity of baby-making before SPLITTING HIS SOUL INTO SEVEN PIECES AND HIDING THEM INSIDE OF CAVES AND SNAKES AND SHIT.

There’s no way Voldemort would have a kid. He was evil as hell, he wouldn’t fux with no baby. He wouldn’t fux with nobody. Imagine Voldemort with an erection. You can’t. Dude probably didn’t even have a wiener. Voldemort’s the type of monster that’s got no nose, no soul, and no wiener. He’s not a person. He can’t do person things, and sex is part of being a person.

Besides that, playa was like 1,000 years old at the Battle of Hogwarts. J/K, he was like 70 or 71, and Bellatrix was like 47. I’m supposed to believe a 70-year-old wizard can knock up a 47-year-old witch on a single go-round? Well, I don’t. I don’t believe it. No sorcery in the world is strong enough for that.

LASTLY, let’s say it happened (for argument only, because it definitely did not happen). Bellatrix would have spent her entire pregnancy in Azkaban. Then what happens? Delphi claimed she slid under the radar and didn’t have to go to Hogwarts. Um, how? How can an orphan baby slide under the radar? You on the books since birth, ya fool. EVERYBODY WOULD KNOW ABOUT YOU, DELPHI YOU DUMB MOTHERFUNKER.

Maybe everybody wouldn’t know she was Voldemort’s bastard baby, but they’d know her mother was an evil sociopath and the ministry would be watching her move since the day she was born. But no, no one knows about her. She gets taken in by Death Eaters who are mean to her despite her A1 heritage, she doesn’t go to school, and still somehow becomes a powerful wizard who loves and respects the Dark Lord. How would she even know Voldemort’s her father? Did she get to visit Azkaban and chat with her moms? Who was the dementor on duty that night, CAUSE HE BLEW IT.

One More Comment
JK Rowling, I’m sorry to hate so hard. I still loved being back in your world. If I ever get a chance to see the play, I will write a review about how wonderful it surely is.

A tragic tale of self-employment

I started working for myself this past March. Despite the abysmal pay and lack of traditional employer benefits, it’s the flyest gig ever. I may not get health insurance or paid vacation days, but my boss sure is understanding. She’s like Ja Rule’s dream girl, a certified down ass bitch. Because she’s myself, and I treat me like my number one.

I am at once the best employer and best employee that ever existed. The synergy between me and myself is outrageous. We are so, so synergetic. That means we’ve synchronized our energies. (We’ve also synchronized our cycles—a convenient side effect of being the same lady.)

For instance, let’s say I want to take a long lunch break. Maybe I want to go on a half-hour bike ride to the rock gym, climb a while, go to Wendy’s for a baked potato and a frosty, and bike the half hour back to the office. My boss is 100% cool with it, because she also wants me to spend the majority of the workday playing and eating.

Or perhaps I want to take a little rest on the office couch and cruise Craigslist for kayaks and kittens—two things I have no intention of actually buying.* My boss encourages it! She too enjoys perusing the catalog of kayaks and kittens available along the Eastern seaboard.

Our company is the best employer in the country. Dogs are allowed, pajama casual dress is worn, and snack breaks are mandated every seven minutes.

IMG_5647

All right, that’s enough. You get it. I LIKE WORKING FOR MESELF.

I gots a little office in the downstairs of the Weight Watchers center where my mom works. It’s huge and cement and empty, but my space is cordoned off with a bunch of hanged-up sheer curtains. It’s kind of like being inside of a shower all the time. I have a couch and a mini-fridge and a desk Curtis bought me for Christmas where I do freelance work.

I don’t have any coworkers—a sad reality of working for yourself, since coworkers are good—but I at least have my mom upstairs. She’s even better than a coworker because she grew me and gave birth to me and is thus required to love me unconditionally and sometimes buy me lunch and drive me to work.

If I walk outside through my downstairs exit, my mom’s office windows are right above mine. Now that the weather’s nice, I’ll sometimes go outside to peel oranges. If I feel like having a chat, all I have to do is chuck a couple of orange peels at my mom’s window and wait for her to open up. She gets pissed but only because she thinks it’s a bird flying into the glass. And boy, nothing gets my mom madder than a bird’s death. That’s one of my most vivid memories as a child—my mom losing it whenever a bird flew into her car’s windshield.

“GODDAMMIT BIRD SHIT I KILLED YOU GODDAMMIT MOTHERFUCKER I DIDN’T MEAN TO BASTARD ASS UNLCEFUCKER GODDAMMIT TO HELL.”

She likes birds.

Anyway, two weeks ago I went outside and felt like having a chat. I didn’t have any orange peels but I needed something to throw at my mom’s window. They always use pebbles in the movies but that seems dangerous. The only thing my mom hates worse than an innocent bird’s death is the prospect of getting showered with shards of broken glass because a rock smashed through her office window. So in lieu of rocks, I decided to throw pieces of mulch.

This may be news to you, as it was to me, but individual pieces of mulch are hella hard to throw. It’s almost impossible. They’re not at all aerodynamic and they don’t have enough heft for heaving purposes. They suck. It’s like trying to throw, I don’t know, a single corn husk. A wadded piece of dry toilet paper. The top to a tube of chapstick. Anything light and stupid, you name it.

So I threw pieces of mulch at her window and none of them would reach. They’d get really close but they’d never quite make it. I could have given up—could have walked 100 feet and just gone to her office, or I could have called or texted or emailed her—but I didn’t want to. I wanted to throw a piece of goddamn mulch at her window and have a chat.

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I tried a million different ways. Overhand, underhand, super forceful, less forceful (in case the force was too much and was actually slowing down the mulch’s velocity—logic that makes no sense to anyone except me). I tried curving it left, curving it right. It’d come within inches of her window but would never reach. (Know that this was all done in sight of many, many motorists—the Weight Watchers building is on the corner of a busy intersection.)

After four minutes of trying every mulch-throwing technique I could think of, I still wasn’t ready to give up. I picked up a new piece of mulch and gave it my most powerful hurl yet. So powerful I probably would have thrown out my shoulder had I not instead violently twisted my ankle and crashed to the ground in a cloud of dirt and mulch.

I sprained my ankle and, worst of all, the mulch didn’t even make it to the window.

There are two lessons to be learned from this:

  1. If you want to get a person’s attention by throwing something at their window, DO NOT USE MULCH. It simply don’t work. Go for orange peels or, if you’re brave, a pebble. An apple core or banana would likely work too.
  2. If I ever offer you a job, do not take it. I am a stupid boss.

P.S. My mom did hear pieces of mulch hitting below the window, I’ve just desensitized her to it. I consider this my most shameful accomplishment.

P.P.S. I went outside to get a picture of the mulch for this post and couldn’t resist throwing a piece at the window again. I got it on the first try.

*I did buy a kayak. I couldn’t help myself, and I don’t even like kayaking that much.