Category Archives: debt lyfe

What to do when you invest all your money and then the market crashes and you quit your job

After several years of watching the stock market, I finally bought some of it. I went through a ridiculous rigmarole to get set up to invest through an investment company, and then I invested the majority of my savings. I won’t tell you how much exactly because that there ain’t none of your business.

That was in November. I invested in a total stock market ETF, which means that rather than investing in a couple companies—like Apple or Facebook—I invested in all of the companies. Or most of the companies. I don’t exactly know, but it’s something like that.

Anyway, I invested some money. I felt responsible and mature and rich. The stock market had been doing well and, I figured, would probably continue to trend upward. For a little while, it did. And then it did not.

The stock market straight sucks right now.

POOP

POOP

It took a giant poop dive (that’s a nosedive but into a pool of poop) and I lost a bunch of money. Again, the exact amount ain’t none of your business. Plus, to be honest, I don’t know the exact figure. But I’ve lost enough that it sucks. Losing five bucks sucks, and I’ve lost considerably more than five bucks.

Beyond that, I’ve also recently made the decision to quit my stable, decent paying job, and not because I have another job lined up. I intentionally do not have another job lined up, in fact. So not only have I lost money in the stock market, but I’ve also lost my source of income.

What does a person do when these things happen?

A person keeps her money in the stock market, because as long as humans continue to innovate it’ll probably return to pre-poop dive levels one day, and if she sells now then she’s really losing that money forever.

A person stops spending all her money on stupid shit like diet Snapple and fancy trail mix and crazy backcountry tents that she thinks she’ll use one day but of course never, ever will.

A person … I don’t know.  What else does a person do? You tell me. Please. It appears I am stupid and have made a series of very poor decisions.

A $200 dollar trip to the mall, AND I AIN’T BUY NOTHING

I dropped my phone in the parking lot of the main mall of Maine, the Maine Mall, last Friday. I dropped it right on its gorilla glasshole face.

a

Mint condish!

I’ve been using iPhones for close to five years — at this point, I’m embarrassingly dependent on them. How do non-iPhoners check Facebook? Or identify songs they don’t know? Or make their pictures look old? Or sneakily take pictures of people while pretending they’re talking on the phone? I just don’t get it!

As you can imagine, I was upset when I picked my phone off the ground and saw how funkdafied its face was. I thought maybe I could save it by searching the ground for the pieces of glass missing from the screen. Turns out tiny glass shards are hard to find in slushy parking lots at nighttime.

After giving up that idea, I thought if I went to the Apple store an Apple genius would take pity on me. He’d be charmed by my sweetness, and intimidated by my budding mustache, and would switch out my phone for a new one on the cheap. Either my sweetness wasn’t charming enough or my mustache wasn’t intimidating enough, cause my smelly little genius wasn’t having it. The best he could do was slap a few pieces of packing tape across my screen.

Seriously. Dude slapped the crap out of my phone with tape.

so

Sent me home all doctored up

Now, I’m stuck with a cracked phone with tape sticking out all over da place. It still functions, kind of, but I can’t really use it to make phone calls. I’d like to buy a new one, but no way no how am I wasting valuable student loan moolah on this.

I bet I can make it until summer. Right?

P.S. Quick update on my goal to debt freedom: I paid off Credit Card #1, all but $31.49 of Credit Card #2, and paid back my mom for my new tires. One of my student loans effed me up by switching my minimum payment, so I think one of my payments was late. Dangit dammitall.

P.P.S. That new iPad looks sweet, huh? And to think, starting at only $499!

I’m bringing evil to tomorrow’s potluck

Tomorrow my office is throwing a potluck party for a woman who’s transferring to another division. For the past few days I’ve been included in general “What are you bringing?” e-mails from my co-workers, none of which I’ve replied to.

I figured I’m young and I’m black and my hat’s real low I’m new to the office, it’s totally okay if I show up empty-handed. They already had sandwiches and sodas and clam dips and cookies and silverware covered — what else could I even offer? What am I supposed to bring? Vegetables?  I’m trying to pay off my student loans, I can’t afford a $15 veggie platter! What is you, nuts?!

I planned to show up, eat, say goodbye to the lady, give her a pat on the noggin, and call it an afternoon. At least I planned to do that until about an hour ago… right until my sweetly selfless self got mixed up with a punk named Pinterest.

AND I'M LIKE, EFF YOU

Pinterest is social network that’ll teach you how to clean corn with a toothbrush, stick glitter on your eggs, and make your pretzels give birth to butterflies. It’s Real Simple meets Martha Stewart, and it makes me feel like a sub-par human lady.

Get your egg geodes out my damn face

I’ve had a Pinterest account for a while but I’d never really used it until tonight. I had a couple of recipes taking up premium bookmark space on my toolbar, so I decided to pin them as a means of saving them. I started clicking through some of the recipe pages and came across a recipe for cookie dough dip. I like cookies, I like dough, and I love to dip, so I checked it out.

Now dip baby, dip

I read through the ingredients and the instructions and it seemed super easy. I already had all the ingredients, it didn’t require any cooking, and the creator claimed it was a big hit at potluck parties. Just like that, I was convinced.

Here are the ingredients. See if you think anything sounds strange:

Chocolate chips

Brown sugar

Vanilla extract

Milk

Baking powder

Peanut butter

Oatmeal

Garbanzo beans

GARBANZO BEANS. An entire can of garbanzo beans. At first, I thought it clever and convenient.

“Garbanzo beans! Why, I just bought three cans of those the other day. What a lovely and healthy way to make chocolate chip cookie dough. Chocolate-Covered Katie says they’re delicious, and she never lies. I must make them now!”

And that’s exactly what I did. Even though I dislike oatmeal cookies, and I hate peanut butter cookies, I decided to make a dessert dish by mixing the main ingredients of each with a full can of garbanzo beans.

My cookie dough dip did not come out well.

It came out tasting like really gritty peanut butter hummus with a hint of vanilla, and it is just awful. There’s still whole chunks of garbanzos in there. Even the chocolate chips are gross.

What it's supposed to look like

What mine looks like. (I gagged when I opened up the Tupperware container to take this picture)

I devoted 20 minutes of my life to it, though, so I’m still going to bring it to the potluck tomorrow. I figure I’ll drop it off anonymously, serve some Saltines with it (you’re supposed to dip cookies or graham crackers in it, but I ain’t got the funds for that), and see if anyone eats it. My guess is maybe. My other guess is that they’ll hate it. My last guess is that they’ll be gassy for days.

(I’m just kidding… sweet gritty peanut butter hummus with chocolate chips is very popular around here. People are going to love it!)

Debt freedom: It’s finna suck

Say hello to Mark. Dude mad poor.

via Huffington Post (http://tinyurl.com/86xvbfl)

Here is me. I owe money, as well. Unlike poor Jennifer and Marky Mark, my debt’s aiight.

Four years of college and I still don’t understand how mirrors work

Fifteen thousand dollars. Right on the line between fortunate and funked. Not crippling, not great, but manageable. Manageable enough, even, it almost excludes me from joining my peers in complaining about student loans. This displeases me.

Anyone who’s ever been on a sports team or residence life staff with me knows I love nothing more than complaining with peers. So, to secure my right to whine, I’m going to make my student loans unmanageable; starting today I’m going to pay off my loans in one year.

I’m going to try, at least.

DA BACKGROUND

Loans — student loans especially — are not fun. The payback period kicks in soon after graduation, right when bank accounts are hurting and job prospects are paining. And to make it all worse, that Sallie Mae is a real lady of the night. SHE A GREAT BIG HO. Or maybe she is, I don’t know.

Thing is, I’m not smart enough to figure out if my lenders are taking advantage of me. Or rather, I’m not patient enough. Finding out all that variable interest rate hooblah dooblah and loan fee goobleygook seems like it requires a lot of clicking and maybe even some phone calls, and homie don’t play dat. Plus, I figure if I sought out the bank, requested the loan, and signed the contract, it’s my own fault if I didn’t read the fine print. Hecks I barely read the bold print.

This is all I know:

I have three loans totaling $14,200. Additional debt includes:

Credit Card 1: $180 (Fancy pants and the like for work.)

Credit Card 2: $537 (Glasses are expensive, and so is babysitting your aunt’s dumb cats in Florida.)

Mammy: $444 (Tires. Thank goodness for a Mom loan.)

Evil arsehole clams: $110 (Dermatology co-payments up the wazoo.)

State of Maine: $100 (Car registration, dangit.)

In total, that’s about $15,600 in debt. I have a full-time job, a part-time job, and two generous roommates named Mammy and Pappy. Paying off my debt by next February may be improbable, but it’s not impossible.

DA PLAN

Da plan isn’t very complicated. I’m going to work a lot, live frugally, and pay off as much as I can each month.

WORK & GIGGLE LIKE A BOSS: I will work my regular job, do data entry on the side, and pick up any random gigs I can get.

LIVE LIKE A NUTSACK: I will do my best to make my own crap instead of buying crap from stores. For instance if I need a container for nuts, I’ll sew a handmade nut sack out of an old T-shirt. Or if I need a new toilet brush, I’ll make one out of household items — a broken shelf and toilet paper, perhaps.

I've done it before

I’ve done it before

BLEND AND BLADE BARELY: Other than gas, food, and presents for gift-giving occasions, all my money will go toward paying off my loans. Although I’m really into blending lately, so some of it might go toward a nice blender. For the most part it’ll just be student loans, though. Also maybe a pair of rollerblades. They look fun, don’t they?

Wish me luck!

P.S. I’ve never cared much about achieving personal goals, so if this sucks too much I’m probably going to quit. I’ll try not to, but know it might happen. Fair warning.