Monthly Archives: May 2024

Substack Cats

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Do you know what Substack is? It’s a newsletter/blogging platform that lets CrEaToRs charge for subscriptions to their content. I’ve recently wanted to start writing more (trying to dust off some of these brain cells know what I mean) and I thought it’d be good to have a fresh start, maybe encourage me to write more. So I made a free Substack and wrote some stupid shit about my cat and shared it with my mom and my mom only.

And thank gourd for that because twasn’t free at all! They tried to charge my mom $8/month! To read a few dumbass paragraphs about how my cat pisses me off! Substack is the equivalent of those point of sale machines that ask you for a $5 tip on a $4 pastry. We all agree those blow, right? Those touchscreens every restaurant/store uses now? I used to like putting a buck or two in a little glass tip jar, but I am HIGHLY AGGRIEVED whenever I’m asked for a 30% tip because some dude passed me an empty coffee cup.

Anyway, I do pay for a couple Substack subscriptions—mainly Samantha Irby’s, the greatest writer and thinker of this and any generation—but the idea that anyone would pay $8 A MONTH for my nonsense is truly unthinkable. So here, have it for free. Read about my stupid cat.

My stupid cat

His name is Sunny or Sonny, depending on his mood (this is according to Curtis). We mostly call him Cat or Skittery Jones/Skittery Snicket.

I wanted to get a cat for years but it always seemed like dumb thing to do. Now, after having Sunny for 6 months, I can confirm I was right. Pretty dumb! He’s adorable and I love him, but he’s also a mewing hairy butthole that attacks me with his razorblade claws and teeth every chance he gets.

We tried to keep him an indoor cat but he protested (and escaped constantly), so now he goes out every day and stalks our yard and woods for all variety of vermin. He’s good at it too! But he also has a discerning palate and prefers Fancy Feast to rodent, so now I’m greeted by intact dead mice and moles on my doorstep most mornings. Sometimes, when I’m walking barefoot in my yard, I feel the spongy give of a decomposing mouse carcass beneath my toes. Ahhh, refreshing!

No, just kidding, not refreshing. So nasty. Turns out I have an irrational fear of mice/rats/chipmunks/etc. I just looked up the name of that phobia. Musophobia, apparently. The first time Sunny brought a dead mouse into the garage (yes, it’s happened more than once now!) and I had to pick it up with a dog poop bag, my hands shook and I was on the verge of crying. I know that’s dramatic. THAT’S WHY IT’S CALLED A PHOBIA!!!

Every time I come upon one of Sonny’s kills I scream like I’m being actively murdered. My family has gotten used to it now, but the first few times they came running with pitchforks and Nerf guns, prepared to kill my assailant.

Sonny kills snakes and bugs too, though I don’t mind that so much except for when his face gets swollen from a bee sting and I take him to the emergency vet for no reason. Because as much as I complain about him, I love him so much. The whole family does. Including Dizzy! Dizzy, our 11-year-old mini labradoodle—who is either indifferent to or dislikes 99% of other creatures, including humans—freaking loves Sunny. They play together! It is so cute.

A few things I’ve learned about cats:

  • If you close the door to the room where their litter box is, they WILL try to let you know by being as annoying as possible, and they WILL shiz’n’pizzTM all over your most expensive bed.
  • If they suddenly start speaking English, that’s because they’re about to puke so, so much.
  • Spray bottles teach them absolutely nothing.
  • Any cat toy or scratching post or cat bed will be ignored.
  • If you have a baby, that baby’s crib is now the cat’s property. Possession is nine-tenths of the law, bitch!
  • They hate water, but will intentionally spill every vessel of water in your home, including their own water dishes.

OK, that’s all. I should find a tidier way to end this but I’m not getting paid $8 to put in that kind of effort!!

Best Bedtime Hack for Toddlers – You Won’t Believe How I Did It!

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Most parents can relate—bedtime with little kids is capital H Hard. Especially when you’re right in the thick of it with multiple littles. Like, how?! How do you get your kiddos to go to sleep at the right time to optimize their health and well-being while also keeping YOUR cup full and protecting YOUR own mental health? And hey, maybe your partner’s too? Is it even possible!?

Lucky for you, I’ve got the answer. It took me over five years, three littles, and LOTS of trial and error to figure it out. And I won’t even make you read a whole article before getting straight to it! Ready for the cliff notes version? The answer is:

Give up.

__

OK, whew. That first part was a joke. That was clear, right? Or did you think that I suddenly started talking like a millennial influencer who uses ChatGPT to write her podcast scripts? Talk about capital H hard, I’ve never sounded so bubbly in me whole life. It amused be for 30 seconds though, so I guess it was worth it.

Anyway, I really did give up on the idea of bedtime. Goddammit I hate bedtime. BEDTIME! I SWEAR TO DR. BECKY I’M REALLY THIS PISSED JUST THINKING ABOUT BEDTIME. TELL ME BEDTIME ISN’T PROPAGANDA BULLSHIT SPEWED FORTH BY THE PATRIARCHY TO FORCE MOTHERS TO FORCE CHILDREN TO SLEEP SO MEN CAN WATCH FOOSBALL. WHAT? YOU THINK THAT’S NONSENSE? YOU THINK I’M CRAZY? OK WELL FUCK YOU MOTHAFUCKA I SPEND MY WHOLE LIFE TRYING TO GET THREE KIDS TO SLEEP IN THEIR OWN BEDS AND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURN? JUST ENOUGH TIME TO WASH DISHES BEFORE EVERY ONE OF THEM WAKES UP, CRAWLS INTO MY BED, AND SPENDS THE REST OF THE NIGHT 1) NURSING 2) HANDBOOFING* 3) KICKING 4) CROWDING 5) AND GRINDING BABY TEETH IN MY GODDAMN EAR. I’M UP EVERY 20 MINUTES BETWEEN 9:30PM AND 6:30AM WATCH OUT FOR ME BITCH I DON’T GET TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!

So, yes, it was time to try something else.

I have a 5 year old, a 3 year old, and a 1 year old and up until about a week ago, we spent, at a minimum, thirty-two hours a day doing our nightly “bedtime routine.” This consisted of:

7 to 7:30pm – Bath time
7:30 to 8pm – Chasing children around the house, trying to brush their hair and put them in pajamas
8 to 8:15pm – Wrestling
8:15 to 8:18pm – Brushing teeth
8:18 to 8:25pm – Asking them to go to the bathroom
8:25 – 8:30pm – Asking them to wash their hands
8:30 – 8:35pm – Filling water cups
8:35 to 8:55pm – Reading books and telling dragon/ghost/witch stories
8:55 to 9:00pm – Getting yelled at because I didn’t tell the right dragon/ghost/witch stories
9:00 to 9:05pm – My turn to do some yelling
9:05 to 9:30 – Going between two beds and a crib, singing songs and patting backs and presenting dissertations on the benefits of sleep, etc.
9:30 to whenever the sun rises – I don’t know. Dozing off and waking up over and over and over

You bored? Same. For us, bedtime routines were exhausting and tedious and—worst of all—thankless because they don’t work. I read so many books and tried so, so hard to do it right. Put them to bed earlier! Give baths! Read books! No screens!

ALL 100% PURE BULLSHIT.

Then I listened to about two chapters worth of Hunt, Gather, Parent and heard the author say something about how only western cultures do bedtime. I didn’t bother listening any further, didn’t dig for details. That was enough for me. Your dog could’ve told me the same thing and I’d have said, hell yeah fuckin right, let’s send it. That night, I told my husband, “We are done trying so hard. I don’t give a shit when they go to bed anymore, let’s stop fighting.”

It’s been working! And by working, I just mean there’s no more yelling at bedtime. I’m still not sleeping very well, but I wasn’t anyway, and at least there’s no yelling. The only rules are—

  1. Brush teeth.
  2. Go to the bathroom.
  3. If dad and I are going to bed, then you have to lie down too. I don’t care where.

Two nights ago, my oldest slept in his underwear. Last night, his clothes for the next school day (which was awesome, by the way. Made getting ready for school—which is our other big battle—so much easier). And they’re pretty much going to bed at the same time they were falling asleep before, but now we’re just spending those extra hours hanging out together rather than battling.

The one drawback is that it means we can’t watch whatever we want on TV. I’m trying to think of a good example of a dirty show, but it’s been so long since I’ve watched TV anyway that I can’t even think of one. True Blood? Haha. Clearly it’s not a sacrifice for me. And Durt will still watch sports or whatever around them, so that’s fine.

Am I a parenting expert now??? Check back soon for more tips and tricks for still not sleeping great, but maybe shouting less!

*Handboofing is just when babies stick their hands inside your shirt to keep their hands warm.