I had my third baby a little over a year ago. I don’t remember how much I gained during pregnancy. 35 pounds? Something like that. After giving birth I lost some but most decided to stick around. That was fine, I didn’t GAF. At least I didn’t GAF until one day last winter when I looked at myself in a different mirror with different lighting and was like, damn girl, your noggin is way too small.

Historically I’ve been a pretty big ole bitch with an average-sized head. We can make do with that, no one minds. It’s not until I get a little bigger and my head size remains constant that I start looking like a pickle with a pea on it. No one’s writing songs about bitches with pickle-pea proportions! It was time to start working out!*

The problem with working out is that 1) it sucks and 2) nobody has time for it. One time, before I had kids, I was at my sister’s house and her husband was telling me how it’s hard to make time to exercise. They had two kids at the time. I asked him, “Why don’t you just go work out? Ain’t that hard.” Because he’s a nice man who prioritizes family harmony, he laughed and brushed the comment off. But he never forgot it. I know because he reminds me of it all the time. And I deserve that. If someone said the same thing to me right now—as a working mother of three little kids, a weird dog, and a butthole cat—I’d lose my mind. Might go full Eminem-as-B-rabbit in the motion picture “8 Mile” and start rap battling them right there. YOU WENT TO CRANBROOK, THAT’S A PRIVATE SCHOOL.

But I digress.

Working out blows. But since I was highly motivated (see fig. 1.0), I went to great lengths to find a workout that worked out for me. I tried nearly every form of exercise in the greater classygallie area. Here are my reviews of each.

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CrossFit

A girl I went to high school with opened up a CrossFit gym in the town over from mine. I ran into her at the grocery store and she looked exactly like she did in high school except younger and fitter and more beautiful??? Meanwhile SHE DIDN’T RECOGNIZE ME.

No one recognizes me. When my oldest was a year old I took him to a baby swim class and a guy I’d known throughout all of school was there. I mean, I remember when he puked on the carpet in kindergarten because he took too big a bite of apple. We took the SATs together and this m-effer sniffled for the entire 3+ hours. I recognized him the second I saw the back of his head. “Oh look, it’s [name redacted]! Still has those lil bald patches from when he got his moles removed back in 1998!” Meanwhile he had no forking clue who I was.

Anyway, my former classmate at the grocery store eventually remembered me and she told me about her gym and suggested I try it out. So I did! I tried it out. I signed up for a 5am workout of the day.

OF COURSE IT WAS A MISTAKE. Jumping back into working out after three babies and six or so years with Crossfit is not the move. They pair you up too, and you’re basically competing against the other duos to see who can do the most reps. I hate teamwork, I hate competition, and sadly, I hate Crossfit. Plus I effed up my wrist and my thumb. 0/10.

Barre

I don’t know how to describe barre. There’s a ballet bar and they make you do teeny tiny movements that cramp my hips so, so bad. I flat out cannot do half the movements because some mechanical malfunction in my hips simply won’t allow it. Except for that, it’s fine. 5/10.

Trampoline barre

For my second class at the barre studio, I accidentally signed up for a trampoline class. I showed up and they asked me if I had grippy socks and I was like, oh why? They then showed me the six little trampolines set up in the studio. It turned out to be pretty fun, and my one complaint is that I was the only one whose trampoline kept on hitting the floor. How silly that I happened to select the only faulty trampoline! 7/10.

Pickup basketball

If you knew me in high school you knew I balled pretty hard. No, just kidding. See above: I hate teamwork and competition. But I still kinda like basketball. There’s an elementary school near me that does women’s pickup basketball on Wednesday evenings, so I tried it out. It was fun however I was terrified I was going to get hurt. Plus it was from 7 to 9 at night and that’s midnight to me. 6/10.

Group fitness at a local gym

These were 45 minutes of HIIT style classes. They went by fast, which I liked. I also liked that a random lady held me back after class once and told me all about how her daughter was pissed at her for cheating with her remarried ex-husband. Does that make sense? She got divorced, her ex got remarried, and then they started an affair. I love a good human-interest story (aka gossip). What I didn’t love though was that the gym membership was $49/week. What kind of Jeffrey Bezos bullshit is that! 5/10.

Jogging/biking on the streets

On one of my bike rides, I called to three tom turkeys and got them to gobble at me FOUR TIMES! Talk about a boost of confidence! 7/10.

Tennis lessons

I signed up for an adult ed “learn to play tennis” course through my town. I’m bad. Like, swing-and-completely-miss-the-ball bad. During a match the other day, I accidentally hit myself in the head with my own racket and knocked off my sunglasses. Gave myself the giggles because of it. I LOVE getting the giggles. 10/10.

Online yoga classes

One of my daughter’s teachers is also a yoga instructor and offers online classes. I used to go to different yoga studios before kids, but those classes were too long and it was embarrassing when I’d inevitably start queefing. These online ones are 30 to 45 minutes and over Zoom and they’re great. I usually keep my camera off but will turn it on after class to let my daughter say hi to her teacher. The first time I did this, I didn’t realize that Curtis was shirtless and in full view of the camera. He had to grab our dog to cover himself up. So it was just me chatting away while Curtis sat behind me, visible to a whole yoga class, half-naked and desperately hugging a dog. I laughed so much when I finally realized it. 10/10.

Driveway basketball

We got our driveway paved last summer so as soon as spring hit this year, we was like, time for a b-ball hoop! Curtis and I play one-on-one now, which may sound ridiculous but HEY IT’S EXERCISE OK! And it helps me keep track of my #bodygoals because every time I crumple to the pavement in pain cause I’ve hurt myself, Curtis outlines my body in chalk to make fun of how dramatic I am. SHE’S STILL A PEA HEAD, FOLKS!!! 10/10.

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In conclusion, I did lose like 12 pounds in six months. But only because I got norovirus in March and peed poopfire out of my butt for three days straight then got a colonoscopy and did the same thing all over again. 0/10, and my head’s still small.

*I didn’t actually start working out because I look like a pea on a pickle, I hope you know that. I just feel old and rickety and “they” say exercise is good for that. I’ll be a dill pickle foreva idgaf.