After my oldest sister’s first year of college, she substitute taught at an elementary school. One of the classrooms she subbed for was a fifth grade sex education class.

On the teacher’s desk was a box for anonymous sex ed. questions. My sister, wisely, read and recorded all of the questions in the box, spelling errors and all. She recently found them. In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m going to do my best to answer these fifth graders’ questions.

Could sperms effect your life?
Yes. If you’re a girl, then sperms could affect your life by making you grow a child inside your womby womb. If you’re the boy who owns the sperm, then you’re responsible for half of the developing child. Don’t mess around with sperms. They love affecting lives. Seriously, they’ll affect the crap out of your life if you give them the chance.

Check out Teen Mom on MTV for more information on this subject. In particular, pay attention to Jenelle. She sucks so bad.

Why do guys have niples?
I had to Google this one. Imagine this: You’re a lady, sperm just affected your life, and you now have ANOTHER HUMAN BEING GROWING INSIDE OF YOU. If that person growing inside of you turns out to be a girl, she’ll have nipples so that one day when sperm affects her life, she can feed her babies. On the other hand, if that person is a boy, he’ll have nipples because he would have really needed them if he’d turned out to be a girl. And he had a 50% chance of becoming a girl, so, do the math on that one.

You can read more about it here.

I thought that the testicles were inside of the body, what’s the purpose of an erection?
I also thought that the testicles were inside of the body, so now I’m not so sure what the heck erections are for. Shoot.

How does sperm get into a woman?
Oh, right! That’s what they’re for (re: purpose of erections).

When boys and girls have done everything in puberty have they finished (puberty)?
Yes, of course they have. When you’ve done everything in puberty, what else would be left to do? Stupid question.

What is the most important in the “penis” sort of area?
Excellent question! It depends on what you consider the “penis” sort of area. Do you think the butt is in this area? If so, then the butt is probably the most important. Your need your butt to dispose of your poop. If you couldn’t get rid of that, do you know how uncomfortable you’d be? You’d have an entire lifetime’s worth of poop inside of you at all times. The butt is the most important, definitely.

Where are girls supposed to shave?
Start with your armpits. After that, your legs and then (if you ever want rappers to have anything to do with you), your “bikini” sort of area. Depending on how hairy you are, you might have to shave your happy trail, niples, mustache, etc. Some ladies shave their arms, even! Remember, no one wants to know that girls grow hair anywhere other than their heads/eyebrows/eyelids. It is on your (cleanly shaven) shoulders to maintain this illusion.

Quick tip: When you shave in the shower, always make sure the tub drains fully before you get out. Otherwise, your sister will have a very unpleasant experience when it’s her kids’ bath time.

Do girls get acmey as bad as boys? How bad do boys get it?
It’s a well-known fact that girls do not get acmey. Sadly, boys get it pretty bad. That’s why boys can grow thick beards and most girls can’t muster more than a wispy mustache. It’s because Mother Nature knows that girls don’t have to cover any acmey.

Why do they have so many openings? (girls)
This is the question of the century. It’s like, dang, can’t girls use openings for more than one freaking thing? But, no, they cannot. One bodily fluid per opening, please. Since girls are the ones who carry the babies, they need all types of openings. You know, for the baby, and for the babies’ milk – all that kind of stuff. It’s ridiculous. Such a waste of resources. We need to talk to somebody about this. It’s time for consolidation.

Can a fallopian tube ever bust or break?
Good lord! What is wrong with you? Why would this ever even cross your mind? Now you’ve got me all freaked out. I don’t know if a fallopian tube can bust or break, but that’s all I’m ever going to be able to think about from now on. Thanks for the lifelong fear of blowing out a fallopian, sociopath.