Coffee sucks

Coffee tastes bad.

It does, doesn’t it? Objectively, coffee tastes like strongly brewed poop water. No one’s ever tried coffee for the first time and shouted, “This is a fine, delicious beverage! Pour me another!”

Or maybe they have, but their taste buds got put on upside down and inside out and they’re not complete, functional humans who could have ever survived in nature. No disrespect to em but they the dum-dums who would’ve eaten the rotting, festering flesh of some beast, washed it down with a handful of poison berries, burped, sharted, and died. Cause clever folks know not to fuxs with bitter.

Humans have trained themselves to accept some bitter food. In coffee’s case, we drink it because it’s nice and cozy and full of a mostly harmless—though still fun and energizing—drug. Those are objectively good things that excuse its foul taste. My mom can’t distinguish between the smells of coffee, dog food, and poop, and yet she drinks a cup o josé every morning.

Tiny baby iced coffee from New Zealand that cost $5 dollars.

Tiny baby iced coffee from New Zealand that cost $5 dollars.

That’s all. Don’t pretend coffee tastes good. You love it, I get it. With enough milk and sugar and ice, I like it lots too. But it’s gross as shit. Please acknowledge that.

5 thoughts on “Coffee sucks

  1. jmc53

    When drank black, it is a 0 calorie beverage and it tastes good with a sugary breakfast treat. If it’s too bitter black, a little splash of skim milk takes off its edge and it tastes even better with a sugary breakfast treat.

  2. Adam Stone

    It is the same thing with beer. Most beer doesn’t taste very nice but as I am a man I drink beer because its manly, not because it tastes very nice.

  3. lostinprettyeurope

    I didn’t like the “real coffee” at all when I first tried it. On a Finn air flight. Finns are the largest coffee drinkers in the world. They are passionate about their coffee. I lived there for over two years, so I started liking it, mostly to battle the cold and laziness and boredom. Now I like it. I have become trained to like the bitter taste 😀 I drink at least two pure black coffees (without sugar, milk or cream) a day.


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