I’ve really been hyping up my colonoscopy to you guys. I’ve mentioned it twice already! Yet every time I go to write something about it, I struggle. You’d think that 24 hours of pooping chartreuse buttjuice and then paying a highly educated stranger thousands of dollars to fish a camera up my bunghole would make for a good story, but alas. Really ain’t too much to say about it.

There is a little to sing about it though.

(To the tune of “Beauty and the Beast”)

Tale as old as time
Poo that feels like pee
Nowhere close to friends
Then the doctor bends
Camera in booty

Just a little pinch
Then you’ll fall asleep
WAIT I’M STILL AWAKE
HEY DOC I’M STILL AWAKE
Booty and the cheeks

Never just the same
Ever a surprise
Never as before
And never just as pure
At least I didn’t cry
Oh
Oh

I was going to stop there. Should I keep going? What else is there to do on a regular workday with kids at home??

Tale as old as time (ooh ooh)
Poop so bright and loose
Hemorrhoids and gas
Shooting out my ass
Leaving trails of juice

OK I’ll stop now. That is foul.

TALE AS OLD AS TIME
POOP SO BRIGHT AND LOOSE
BOOTY AND THE CHEEKS

I often forget that this shows up in some people’s email inboxes. You’re just going about your normal day when you hear a little ding and then suddenly THIS. I’m sorry.

Anyway, yes, I did somehow stay awake during the procedure despite the drugs. What a humbling experience, to lie down in a room with three other people and watch—on multiple screens!—as a camera approaches your own white, flaccid butt cheeks.

I didn’t mind though (I’m sure the fentanyl helped). I felt so light afterwards! In part because of the colonscopy prep—an entire bottle of Miralax and some liquid magnesium citrate will do that to anyone, I think—but also because I’d been stressing about bloody TP for years and I needed some reassurance that my bowels were cool. We’re just working with some hemorrhoids and fissures, y’all!

Booty

and

the

CHEEKS.