Remember a while ago when I said I’d have my student loans paid off within a year? When I made that goal I somehow forgot that Sam’s Club exists.

At Sam’s, strawberries are the size of oranges, oranges the size of cantaloupes, cantaloupes the size of watermelons, and watermelons the size of yo’ anus. King-size bags of chip come in Tupacs and cookbooks share an aisle with underpants. Sam’s is perfect.

Did you know Sam’s Club hosts live infomercial demonstrations? Me neither, until I got sucked into one with a promise of a free knife and ended up buying an entire set. My sister didn’t want to watch me reenact the demonstration, so instead I ask that you do.

Sometimes shook up old ladies get cut