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Celebrity sightings

Quickly, and before I get into the very important business of celebrity sightings, please remember that your senators and House representatives work for you. You can call them up any day (and every day) and ask them to support the causes you care about, and stand up against policies that concern you.

For instance, you could find your Senators’ phone numbers and call them up this very minute and ask them not to confirm Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education, who doesn’t believe in providing free and appropriate education for children with disabilities.

You could call them up and tell them you’re concerned about the president’s order to ban refugees from Muslim countries from entering the U.S.

Or you could call them up and complain about traffic in your city, or that the water tastes gross, or whatever. But remember to call them and to keep caring. That’s how democracy survives.

(BTW, it’s better to find the phone numbers of their local offices and call those.)

OK, on to the very important post:


Earlier this month, my oldest, sweetest, kindest sister took me to see Hamilton in New York. I can’t even begin to articulate how wonderful an experience it was. Michele Obama called it the best piece of art she’s ever seen in her life, and a bigwig at the Public Theater in New York compared Lin-Manuel Miranda, its creator, to Shakespeare. Nothing I could say would add anything to what’s already been said. It was really, really, really, good. I cried a couple times, and laughed a lot, and smelled more farts than I care to remember.

(For real. Those seats are packed seriously tight in the Richard Rodgers Theatre, and someone’s booty was working overtime. They smelled like the farts of a child, as a note.)

So instead of trying to review the best piece of art ever created, by Shakespeare’s successor, I will tell you about the other great part of trip to New York City.

I
SPOTTED
SO 
MANY
GOTDAMN 
CELEBRITIES

Celebrity-spotting is my favorite hobby. I love it. Holy moly do I love it. I don’t know why—I don’t read gossip magazines, I don’t write fan mail, I don’t even ask celebrities for pictures or autographs when I spot em out and about. But for some reason, I sure do love spotting em out and about.

And that’s important, that they’re out and about. When I worked at a radio station I got to see musicians fairly often. While it was fun and I loved it, it wasn’t nearly as exciting as spotting celebrities in the wild. When you see them at a radio event, you know they’re going to be there. You expect it and it takes no effort. But when you catch a glimpse of Constance Shulman, voice of Patty Mayonnaise and actress of Yoga Jones, walking down the avenue, that takes work.

I didn’t see Constance Shulman when I was in New York earlier this month (I saw her about a year ago, and it was fly as hell). But here are the three (3!!!!!) celebrities I did see earlier this month. You may not know any of them. If that’s the case, be even MORE impressed by how good of a celeb-spotter I am.

In chronological order of sighting:

Nick Kroll

He’s in The League and dated Amy Poehler for a little while. We were standing in line for Hamilton, and Nick Kroll goes strolling by. I says to my sisters I says, OH SHIT LOOK WHO IT BE. NICK KROLL THE KING.” They laughed because they thought I was kidding, and then they looked and saw freaking King Kroll.

Not sure why I’m calling him the king. He good but no, he no es royalty. 

Nick Kroll

Oh, you must think I’m losing it, putting Nick Kroll on this list twice. YOU WRONG I AIN’T LOSING IT. I truly did see him two times. After the show was over, and within ten minutes of leaving the theater, Mr. Nick Kroll goes strolling by again. I says to my sisters I say, OH SHIT LOOK IT’S NICK KROLL AGAIN.” Once more, they laughed, thinking I was bluffing. Once more, they realized the reason in my words and bowed to my skill and greatness.

It seems like maybe he saw Hamilton with us, but I’m not convinced. Apparently he’s got his own Broadway show right now, and he was walking in the wrong direction for leaving the theater. I don’t know, but I do know he looks far more trustworthy in person than he does in movies and on television. Not that he looks untrustworthy on TV, he just looks exceptionally trustworthy in person.

Oh and very quickly: those eyes of his. Pretty big, right? They look so sticky, Nick Kroll’s eyes do. I bet they’re cat fur magnets. My mom had an employee who once claimed to have 100 cat hairs in each eye. That’s a total of 200 cat hairs. I bet Nick Kroll has had 200 cat hairs in his eyes before. He king tho.

John Magaro

Have you seen The Big Short or Carol? Or Orange is the New Black? He’s in those. We were heading back to the car after the play and I looked my right and saw a familiar man in a beanie, carrying a paper bag.

“Ooh this beanie-wearing playa,” I thought. I know I seen this beanie-wearing playa before.”

I was carrying my niece and so he got ahead of us, but I ran back to my sisters and told them, Hey go chase down that man, I swears to Dog he famous.”

So they chased him down. He couldn’t see them, on account of walking direction and eye placement on human heads, but those two sisters of mine jogged up right behind him. They got a good look at his grill, shrugged, and came back to tell me they hadn’t a damn clue who he was. He was on to us by then, and ducked into a building’s vestibule for eluding purposes. It was a terrible escape plan, because when he left the vestibule he again had to pass us. I got another good look, and knew for sure I recognized him, but couldn’t place him. I could picture him being sad, and being someone’s boyfriend, and having an Italian accent.

It was really bothering me so on the way home from NYC I pulled up a list of the top box office movies for 2016, and then the top box office movies for 2015. The second I saw The Big Short, I knew I had my man. I texted my friend about it and she remembered he was also a little New York Italian man in OITNB

Abigail Breslin

She was the little dancing girl in Little Miss Sunshine. My sisters missed her, because they’ve got TERRIBLE celeb-spotting abilities, and also she’s an adult now and it’s hard to spot child celebrities when they become adults. But me, YA GIRL, I seen her and recognized her so A$AP it was a miracle.

Whoa, I didn’t realize she’s Spencer Breslin’s little sister. That’s the kid from The Cat and the Hat. He also played the adult-child elf in The Santa Clause. Neat.

Anyway, she was smoking a cigarette and was walking with two people. Actually I just found her Instagram and this is almost exactly what I saw.


Please comment below with your best celebrity sightings. I love to hear about them as much as I love to live them.
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