Tag Archives: I’ve only eaten one piece of candy today and I feel really sick I need more

People are sharing what happens when you try contacts and it’s somethin’ else*

Before I get into this story—which is really only about my experience with contact lenses (sorry if my title tricked you; that was my intent)—I feel like I should address my nearly yearlong hiatus. There’s usually a point in every blog’s life where its blogger apologizes for not blogging often enough. I am not apologizing, because who the hell cares! Just thought I should mention it. Gonna try to write more, because it’s a better hobby than rewatching blooper compilations on YouTube, but I’ll probably give up pretty quick.

Here goes—

My first introduction to contact lenses was in 2012 or 2013. I’d only been wearing glasses for a year or two when my eldest sister decided it was time I try contacts.

“No thanks, sister,” I said. “I only wear glasses for driving and watching TV. I don’t need contacts.”

“I think you do,” she said.

“I think conversely to the way you think.”

The conversation didn’t go much further because at that point, it had been decided: if I didn’t want to try contacts, then I don’t need permission, make my own decisions, that’s my prerogative then my sister would force me. Which she did. My sister, WHO IS AN EDUCATED, PROFESSIONAL, WORKING MOTHER, chased me around the house, ~grabbed me by the back of the shirt, and stabbed a pair of her contacts into my eyes.

Not surprisingly, the trial didn’t go well. Beyond the fact that she had jabbed plastic into my eyeballs, they were her prescription instead of mine. So not only did they make my vision worse, but—since I have an astigmatism and she doesn’t—they also hurt like a mothertrucking buttcheek on a stick.

Since it’s 2018 and I wear glasses all the time now, I recently decided to give contacts another go. They still suck so much. Why does anyone wear them? It makes me mad that they do.

My problems with contacts:

  1. Very uncomfortable
  2. Very, very hard to put in. It should be easier
  3. Everything is blurry. Stuff should look better
  4. Can’t swim in them (according to my doctor. SO THEN WHAT IS THE POINT!?)
  5. Can’t rub my eyes as intensely as desired, which I would say is medium-intense
  6. Have to wash my hands more often than desired
  7. Can’t wear my glasses and I like my glasses because they’re like jewelry except useful
  8. But when I do wear my glasses, I now notice how the frames push into my face and that makes me pissed

Maybe next my sister will decide it’s time I get Lasik and she will slice off my corneas/burn them with lasers. Will let ya know.

*I plagiarized this blog’s title from a Buzzfeed article because I’m lazy and I think clickbait is funny but maybe also effective? We shall see.

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