Kindergarten criminal

I remember two things about my first day of kindergarten.

1) I saw two girls, one brown headed and one yellow headed, talking to each other in the snack line. I remember thinking, “Those are the two weirdest looking things I’ve ever seen in my life.” (Both later became good friends of mine, but not until they stopped looking so creepy).

2) I experienced love at first sight with a boy with a killer cowlick and flapping fish lips.

Other than that, my first day consisted of meeting Ms. Pinkham, rocking fresh white kicks, and wearing a tag all day. It was a traditional first day of school.

I don't have a scanner, but I do have a multi-colored briefcase

To me, the second day of school is more important than the first; it’s more telling of the way things will be. Everyone knows the first day of anything doesn’t count, especially school. Teachers let you out of class early and your only assignment is to go to Staples and have the best time of your life buying page projectors and white out with your parents’ money. It’s not until the second day when ish gets real.

On my second day of kindergarten, for example, my mom asked me what I wanted for lunch (kindergarten is still half a day I hope?).

Mom: You hungry, Al? Want some lunch you little chubster you?

Me: Mmm yes! Me hungwy, me so hungwy.

Mom: I don’t understand anything that comes out of that idiot mouth of yours, but what would you like?

Me: Wa wa and bwead, pwease mommy.

Mom: Sounds like a prison meal. What’s wrong with you?

I don’t know what was wrong with me, but when my mom told me my lunch of bread and water sounded like a convict’s lunch, it made me like it even more. It made me want to be a criminal.

And maybe that’s why, before running out of the house to catch the bus, I threw on the jacket that I did. TheΒ  hardcore, black, leather motorcycle jacket from my dad’s shop (North Atlantic Leather & Repair — peep dat).

I ride dirty

That jacket was an authentic mini motorcycle jacket. It had more tassels and zippers and snaps than a Hells Angel. It was bomb diggity. And, paired with a stank face and a belly full of prison fare, it made me feel as bad as the baddest mammer jammer around.

At least until I got to school. I’ve never been that into speaking up, and that was especially true in kindergarten. I was really shy and hadn’t started speech therapy yet, so when Ms. Pinkham asked if I wanted to hang my coat on the rack, I shook my head and thought hell nah I don’t want your damn coat rack (politely, though).

The beginning of September is a pretty warm time of year, especially when you’re swagged out in a thick leather jacket. So, as you can imagine, I was sweating mah ballz off. But, not wanting to inconvenience Ms. Pinkham, and especially not wanting to talk, I kept it on all day. As I walked around like a robot in my motorcycle coat, I was sweaty, constricted, uncomfortable, and moodier than a biz.

And that’s why the second day of school showed me how things would be: trying to look cool, while actually looking like a jackass penguin/pit stain farmer.

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170 thoughts on “Kindergarten criminal

  1. Mikalee Byerman

    Wow. With you sporting that badass jacket, I think I might have been a little terrified of you!

    πŸ˜‰

    The only thing I remember about day 1 of kindergarten: There was a girl who smelled odd, and we had a snack consisting of Frosted Flakes and banana chips.

    Reply
  2. sophabroad

    Haha! The thing I think I find most impressive about your (very entertaining) blog is the fact that you can remember your first and second days of school in such detail! I barely have any memories of the first few years of school aside from singing the Rainbow song and reading a book called The Enormous Turnip.

    Reply
  3. Mariajose

    Haha! Nice. I wish I could remember my first day of school. Maybe I should bug my mom about it. But I’m sure I didn’t own a leather jacket. Congrats on being freshly pressed:(

    Reply
  4. PCC Advantage

    On my first day of kindergarten I got in trouble…probably because I was wearing my bad-ass red leather jacket. Fascists.

    This was an awesome and hilarious post! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! πŸ™‚

    Reply
      1. PCC Advantage

        Okay, I’m in.

        But only if we also force the kids to carry around Popeye candy cigarettes rolled up in their sleeves and force them to put gel in their hair…otherwise, they’d just look ridiculous.

  5. tanoshinde

    Love the pix! My memories of my first day of Kindergarten, besides wearing awesome green Pumas, feeling ever-so-slightly intimidated by my wonderful-but-strict kindergarten teacher and being called ‘kindergarten babies’ by a bunch of passing first graders (secure in their infinite superiority, LOL) primarily consist in the sights and sounds of the schoolyard and classroom and feeling quite smug about already knowing how to spell my name and address and how to read. In kindergarten, I was an insufferable bore (though I also couldn’t sit still to save my life and had a penchant for inflating juice boxes in order to produce hilarious little fountains of juice). I had the social skills of a poorly-trained Jack Russel Terrier (though at least I was housebroken). My teacher once made the mistake of informing me that I was the best listener during story time, and I am quite ashamed to admit that I spent the rest of the year reminding her of that fact ._.

    I was, alas, nowhere near as cool as you in kindergarten. I would’ve given my green Pumas to be able to roll off to school in a real biker jacket!

    Reply
  6. Romantic Asian Guy

    Aww how adorable you are! You have a really great memory. Thanks for posting–definitely brings back some vague memories.

    I LOVE Kindergarten–the kids are so innocent. I’m thinking on becoming a Kindergarten teacher so I can love and be in awe of the little ones hehe.

    Reply
    1. aconn464 Post author

      I was in kindergarten in 1994. What state did you go to school in? It was half a day for me in Maine, but I guess it’s always been a full day for kindergarteners in Rhode Island. I guess I lucked out!

      Reply
  7. Samantha

    Congrats on Freshly Pressed! This was quite entertaining.

    My only memory of my first day of kindergarten includes carrying a clear plastic backpack, sitting on one of those carpets with all the cartooned squares, and playing with the toy kitchen with some gross plastic rendition of “food” in the sink. I had a pretty crazy kindergarten teacher and teacher’s aide, so I think I don’t remember much on purpose. πŸ™‚

    Awesome blog! You were adorable πŸ™‚

    Reply
  8. Vu

    That pic is classic. I need to find a leather jacket for my daughter now!

    Oh I remember my first day of kindergarten. Well I remember getting dropped off at least. I walked into the classroom and everyone else was sitting on the “storytime” carpet. I sat down and my parents left. I was freaking out inside but was too scared to move. Don’t remember much after that until the end of the day. I had no idea I was supposed to get on the bus to bring me home. As the school emptied… I didn’t know what to do and no one came to pick me up. I walked back to the classroom because it was the only place I was familiar with. Sat there crying until someone found me and called my parents. It was a traumatizing first day for me. 😦

    Reply
  9. Nerdygirl98

    Haha! Making friends was that way for me too. I remember staring at a girl who was crying her eyes out because she didn’t want to leave her mom, and she ended up being my best friend through elementary school πŸ™‚ great post!

    Reply
  10. taureanw

    Awww, you were so cute!
    I think I blocked those times out because they were so traumatic. I remember bringing in a couple of Ghostbuster toys the 2nd day and they got stolen…….part of me has never really recovered from that moment.

    Reply
  11. Karen

    I don’t remember Kindergarten but I remember being in a special Pre-K program. I road the bus with AnnaMaria-Muchamechee. Cute blog. LOVE the plug for your Dad’s shop. (Yes, I checked it out) Does he know he’s been freshly pressed??

    Reply
    1. aconn464 Post author

      Muchamechee is the best last name I’ve ever heard. And I’m glad you checked out my dad’s site!! It’s hard for non-professionally taken pictures to do his work justice, but he’s crazy good at what he does!

      Reply
  12. etomczyk

    You are delightful and a very good storyteller. I’ve visited your site several times because I wanted to read several of your posts before I left a comment. I was that little girl, and as soon as you started describing her, I could feel that leather jacket and her knowledge that she was “out of sync” in the game of life before she even knew what life was. The story puts a smile on my face, as well as, made me want to insure that any kindergardener I knew got a hug this week. Thanks for sharing: from another humorous storyteller.

    Reply
  13. teacher

    What a freakin’ cute kid. Kindergarten is full days now in Ontario, Canada – in most school boards. It’s good because they are learning much more, better prepared for grade one and they do get a nap time so they aren’t run ragged. I haven’t seen any Hells Angels in my class yet, however. Perhaps I shall give it time. It’s only the second week of school….

    Reply
  14. ditchthebun

    Gorgeous post! LOVE the jacket! Very thought provoking too.

    I remember trying to hash a great escape plan which involved everyone who didn’t want to be there standing up at one time and all running in different directions and a parent/teacher interview being asked for the next day because it was a Catholic institution and they were trying to tell us the Bible story and I couldn’t understand why there were no Dinosaurs in the Bible – when my teacher told me off for being impertinent I told her I knew what that meant because my mother was a teacher-librarian and is heaps smarter than her because she teaches BIG kids and that the Bible was stupid because it didn’t make sense ….. cherry on the cake? – I then asked her to read something akin to a Spot book instead. Hmm out of the mouths of bratty babes huh?!

    Kindi – where you still get naps, but feel like a BIG kid!

    15 years later… the teacher still remembers me… and I still remember her penchant for all white outfits and friz-ball perm hehehe

    Reply
      1. ditchthebun

        I know myself and one other girl got out… well of the school anyways, then we split up… my home was probably a 30min sprint for me then (shorty legs). I made it home, but then my Mum turned up. Didn’t occur to me that the school might dob me in for running away. I have no idea what happened to the other kids or if anyone else actually ended up doing it.
        I remember I was eating cornflakes when my Mum rocked up – HUGE trouble!

  15. Heather

    This made me laugh so hard!! Awesome. (And PS — most kindergarteners are doing full days anymore — the schools need the extra scratch and the parents don’t want to have to schlep the kiddos to daycare for the second part of the day.)

    Reply
  16. Bellabinda

    Great story. I have about five memories of primary school – in total, so it’s very cool that you can remember your first two days. Your mum sounds mean, is she suppose to? She gave you a pretty cool multi coloured brief case, so she mustn’t be all bad πŸ™‚

    Reply
  17. Sophia Morgan (griffinspen)

    Haha, gansta! I don’t remember the first days of schools and classes from when I was little, but in recent years I do know that first days back are never easy. My teachers tend to say, “Oh, we’ll go easy today–” but then they don’t and later they’re all like, “Welcome back!” Great post, so funny!

    Reply
  18. Red Toenails

    OMG! Honey, for the first 3 or 4 years of school, I would cry the first week. I’d put on a brave face at home and before leaving school I would wipe my tears away. But I was ratted out by my classmate who told that I cried. Hey, at least I wasn’t the pee pee boy!

    Reply
  19. superfan307

    Haha – that’s too funny. I love the last line. At least you learned young the real price of “looking cool.” πŸ˜‰ Great post! πŸ™‚

    Reply
  20. Jerret Hammons

    I had to read this after seeing it on Freshly Pressed. You are seriously a great writer, Allie. Even though I’m probably not your ideal demographic, I’m still signing up to follow you via email. Hope you write like this often. I am inspired to actually do something with my WordPress account now. Thank you.

    Reply
  21. Pigeon Heart

    that is rad. really. im wondering what you thought you were gonna be w/ that phase- rockstar motorcycle vet nurse? im jealous that you remember way back when.
    my earliest memories are of hiding under a table w/ a boy named Gideon. He liked me and that’s why he bit me- what his mom told me through my tears. I never did like that name.

    Reply
  22. Yulia

    wow.. this is a nice one! You still remember about what exactly happened when you were in the kindergarten.
    It’s good to remember. I have lost the memory of kindergarten.
    Thank you for sharing this πŸ™‚

    If you don’t mind please visit my blog and It would be great if you are willing to share your thought there πŸ™‚

    Yulia
    http://www.mylifeismyrainbow.wordpress.com

    Reply
  23. Nastasja

    This is great article! Reminded me to think of my first days at school – you forget these things faster than you would like to. It was nice and cool; later it became aweful and bad and hard and there were boys and what the Heck do I know what else…
    Best days of my school were at the very beginning of it.

    Nice leather jacket, btw.

    Reply
  24. adzharaziz

    You were lucky for having to run to catch your bus. I had to run and climb the kindergarten’s fences after being chased by a wild boar. Funny writing. Love it. πŸ™‚

    Reply
      1. adzharaziz

        Never again been chased by any wild animal except by turkeys or domestic geese…hahahaha so I have no idea whether I would ever outrun the wild boar. πŸ™‚

  25. wadingacross

    I don’t recall my first day of kindergarten, but I do recall getting put in the bathroom with my cot during rest time in nursery school. I couldn’t sleep, so I’d play with my feet or my stuffed animal… and distract all the other children from sleeping as they watched me!

    Either in Kindergarten or preschool I recall some little girl taking my thermos of soup and pouring some of it on me – intentionally. What parent gives their 4/5 year old hot soup to bring to school?!

    But no, no leather jacket for me – not until 9th grade. I would have worn some 70’s garb, and it wouldn’t have been trendy even then.

    Reply
    1. aconn464 Post author

      Yikes! I guess the parent who’d give their kid a thermos of hot soup to kindergarten is the same type of parent who’d raise a kid who poured it on innocent classmates! that kid sounds seriously effed up

      Reply
  26. ellengry

    Hi! Great post and congratulations on being freshly pressed! Me myself stumbled a bit today, I think I insulted some pageant moms with my article, almost unintentionally. I was actually told to keep my mouth shot. I should have had that leather jacket, I think…

    Reply
  27. Catie Harrell

    I don’t remember my first few days at school. I do remember kissing the cute boy on the playground, and the teacher freaking out!

    The jacket is awesome. Makes me want to go out and get a few for my children! πŸ™‚

    Reply
    1. aconn464 Post author

      Thank you! And for some reason I remember elementary school much better than I remember college even, and I just graduated! I guess I thought k-5 was more enjoyable hahah

      Reply
  28. DesiValentine

    Ohmygod, that’s funny! My daughter had her first day of kindergarten two weeks ago. Now that I think about it, the expression on her face had a stong mug-shot vibe, and the low brick-and-stone building was frankly institutional. And the bread and water? Yeah…..
    Thanks for the chuckles!

    Reply
    1. aconn464 Post author

      I saw her picture on your blog — so cute!! Love your son on his first day of preschool, too. Thanks for commenting and inadvertently directing me to your site — I LOVE it!

      Reply
  29. Alterego

    True story, i have in my possession in a secret box somewere in buxton a autographed picture from ms pinkham wishing my kindergarden butt a fantastic summer, i cant say for certain and i hope this doesnt ruin ur relationshp with her but im under the impression we had something special

    Reply

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